Apologies for the silence but life has been a bit crazy since Baby Olea's arrival. I have my parents here to help which is wonderful, but it leaves very little alone time and therefore very little time to update this space.
Life with two living children is surreal. There is always someone who needs attention and very little downtime for anyone. And that's with 3 adults around. I can only imagine what it will be like when it's just The Hubby and me. I won't even allow myself to think about those days when The Hubby travels and it's just me and the girls. My first time is coming up sooner than I want to think about so I'll push that aside for now.
I feel like a whole phase in my life is over now. For the past 11 years I have either been trying to conceive, pregnant, grieving, doing fertility treatments, or recovering from a pregnancy. So knowing that we are done with all of that feels like an end of an era.... and it is.
It's strange to be able to say, "My girls." That's right,,, I have two living girls. Something I never thought I would have.
When we first lost my son, The Hubby said we were done having children. His wounded heart figured the only way to escape the pain was to never try for another child ever again. So there was a moment in time where I thought we would never parent living children.
Now, our family is complete, and yet incomplete. I feel a joy I never thought I'd feel and still there is a sorrow. A sorrow for the little boy we will never see grow up with his sisters.
Complete and yet very incomplete. And yet somehow I feel so very blessed and happy and sad all at the same time.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
Those feelings can co-exist. It's amazing, really, what the heart can bear.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations for getting to the other side.
Joy and sadness together, yes, but I am SO happy for you. Congratulations!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand what you wrote here. I feel much of the same and fear I always will. I think (hope?) we will have one more, and yet it will be sad to close the door permanently at any point. I worry I could spend my whole life wondering if "one more" would make that feeling dissipate.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you Olea has arrived safely. <3
So glad she is here. I think that feeling will always be there, but as the years go by it begins to fade a little (very little).
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling all these things too. I don't know if I am 100% resolved, but I am truly happy and ready to let life take me where it will. The pain of loss will always be there, but at least there is the gift of joy in being the parent to a wonderful child. Always wishing you all the best.
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