Friday, 7 October 2011

A Strange Patchwork Of Emotions

Yesterday I went in for my second ultrasound and blood test for my FET (that's frozen embryo transfer). Everything looks great. I've got a good triple-stripe lining and my hormone levels are good too. So I was given the go ahead to book my very expensive, last-minute flight to the US for my transfer.

It's scheduled for next week, Thursday the 13th. Exactly 1 year and 2 months after my son was born still. The significance of this date is not lost on me. I swear, you couldn't plan these things if you tried.

It's such a tricky thing trying for another baby while still mourning the one you've lost. Dates and milestones blend together in a strange patchwork of emotions. Where feelings of hopefulness exist side by side with feelings of despair. Where a simple date on the calendar can represent both the worst day of your life and the potential for a miracle.



I'm still working on the balance of hopefulness and despair. Perhaps there is never a balance. Perhaps there is never a way to work out feeling both sets of emotions at the same time. Perhaps we all just do the best we can to move forward and try not to trip over our feelings.

At the moment I'm trying to focus on my hope. I do believe that mindset can affect fertility and I want to give this cycle the best possible chance of success. I just hope I can manage it.
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22 comments:

  1. Nic7 October 2011 at 12:19

    Pleased your scan and tests are all good. Dood luck for the transfer.
    Must be so hard to deal with the mixed emotions
    x

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  2. Jessica7 October 2011 at 12:29

    Sending you lots of positive thoughts for your transfer next week!

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  3. Sandy7 October 2011 at 12:36

    Wishing you the very best for next week. That day is going to be filled with emotions, which I know is an understatement. May you find the balance you're looking for. x

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  4. Molly7 October 2011 at 14:24

    So glad the fet is set! Hoping for great news!

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  5. cdg7 October 2011 at 15:06

    such a complex interplay of emotions. sending much love to you

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  6. Brooke7 October 2011 at 15:53

    Sending you hope. Lots of it.

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  7. Lindsey7 October 2011 at 17:01

    Sending lots of hugs and hope for a perfect transfer next week!

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  8. Rebecca7 October 2011 at 17:32

    Sending lots of positive thoughts for a great transfer next week!!

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  9. Mrs. H7 October 2011 at 17:35

    I think you are very right when you say "perhaps we all just do the best we can". I know its a very difficult emotionally to balance. You are in my thoughts as always and I hope that everything goes well for your transfer.

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  10. Desirae7 October 2011 at 19:50

    I am struggeling with these feelings right now also, its tough.

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  11. Becky7 October 2011 at 21:01

    Praying for a successful FET next week:)

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  12. Linda A.7 October 2011 at 22:12

    'Perhaps we all just do the best we can to move forward and try not to trip over our feelings.' That says it all. Walk lightly, feel however you need to feel, and here's sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.

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  13. Lj827 October 2011 at 22:47

    the grieving and the hoping are definitely intertwined. I'm hoping the FET s successful! :)

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  14. Natasha7 October 2011 at 23:08

    It's definitely a balance between the good and the bad. I waver back and forth between enjoying the things in life that do bring me happiness and the broken-ness that I know will never fully go away because my son is gone. It's so hard.

    Glad you have a date for the FET- praying everything goes well!

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  15. About Bernadette & Duane8 October 2011 at 00:42

    Sending hopes from afar for a very special result!

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  16. Chickenpig8 October 2011 at 00:58

    You can, I know it. :)

    Isn't it strange how huge happenings in life just seem to happen around the same time? It's like your life gets a worn groove in it and you can't escape. So much stuff happens to me in October/November and it's not like I plan it that way.

    They do blend together. I just hope that like me, the happiness stands brighter than the sadness so the sadness fades a little, not completely, but a little bit into the background. I hope so much that this cycle works for you. Everything crossed!!!

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  17. Jenny9 October 2011 at 00:59

    I'm so pleased it's all looking good and having a date is exciting! Infertility and loss leave us with so many painful dates that it's sometimes hard to find a week or two without anything sad to remember. I really hope that in years to come you'll be able to look back on October 13 and smile as you remember it as the day of the FET that resulted in a beautiful baby.

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  18. Anonymous9 October 2011 at 04:25

    Certainly the biggest tapestry of woven emotions..
    Hoping for you as well...

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  19. DandelionBreeze9 October 2011 at 05:42

    I so agree... it's amazing how dates and milestones blend together in a strange patchwork of emotions. It is so hard sometimes to hold onto hope but I agree that mindset can affect fertility... hope is such a strong and loving emotion. Thinking of you as you head for your FET :)) Sending you lots of love from afar xoxo

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  20. Anonymous10 October 2011 at 13:55

    I found you through Rebecca's comment section. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. It makes perfect sense that it brings you mixed emotions. I wanted to wish you good luck on your transfer.. and was glad to see that you live in London =) I'm too an expat but not from the US.

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  21. andrew22 October 2011 at 18:04

    Lovely news that your scan tests were good news!

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss, have 'faith' and things will turn out right one day. Chin up

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  22. Anonymous23 October 2011 at 20:32

    I am wishing you all the luck in the world. I hope your trip goes well and you are soon blogging with good news
    XxX

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