Beta #3 Is Good

I'm still visiting family so no time to post or read any other blogs right now. I hope to have more time soon. But for now just a super quick update. Our third beta test is good so now we just wait a few weeks and hope for a heartbeat!!!

Still excited and still scared, but taking things one day at a time,,,, and today is a good day.

2nd Beta

My second beta test was today and the numbers more than doubled! So I'm still pregnant. I have one more on Monday just to be sure but it's looking positive so far.

I am starting to believe that I may really be pregnant. But I know there's still a bunch of denial going on as well.

I feel speechless and wordless as to how I'm feeling. So it's a short post for today, but a good one.

Beta = Pregnant

My first beta results are in. My results are 657 which the nurse says is excellent. As I have no idea what it's supposed to be (or not be) I am taking her word for it. I have to go in tomorrow for the second beta where they want to see that number go up.

So I'm pregnant! Wow,,,,, wow,,,, wow.!

Of course I'm still nervous and not wanting to fully believe it at this point. I know we have beta number two and then there's the first ultrasound where we look for a heartbeat. But I'm happy today. I'm going to try and take things in small steps and be happy as much as I can.

The hubby is much more scared and nervous than I am. But he was like that with our first pregnancy and that's before we knew that things could go horribly wrong at any time. So I'm expecting him to be a nervous wreck the entire time.

I'm so much more scared to share the news this time around. We told my parents of course because we are visiting them at the moment. My sister knows too because she called me yesterday to find out the results. But I kind of want to wait until beta #2 before sharing with my close friends who knew I was doing the FET.

I suppose that's one nice thing about being in the US visiting family. I'm far away from my London friends so I've got a bit more time to digest the news before sharing. I don't plan to make any kind of huge announcement right now,,, but the friends who have been there for me through the failed IVF and now this FET will be wanting to know how it went.

Wow, I'm pregnant again. I'm sure once the shock wears off I'll have lots of mixed feelings about the whole thing and lots of juicy material for blogging. But for now I'm just feeling happy, and that's a nice feeling.

*Oh, and I've updated my trying again timeline for anyone following along.

Still Positive

I took another test this morning and saw those beautiful 2 pink lines. So as of this moment I'm still pregnant.

I'm starting to get a bit more excited,,,, but in a very cautious way. I won't feel like this is real until the beta test on Wednesday. Only 2 more days!!!

In the meantime I'm doing some last minute packing and we're off to the USA today. It will be nice to see the family and enjoy some warm weather. Well maybe not beach weather, but at least it will be warmer than London.

We have decided not to say anything to the family (or anyone else) until after Wednesday. No point in getting them all excited only to have the bubble burst by a bad beta. *Try saying that 3 times fast,,,, bubble burst by a bad beta. It sounds like one of those weird google search results we all get.

So I'm hopeful that this cycle will be a success!

Mindful that things can still go wrong.... but hopeful.

I Cracked

I am in the midst of the 2 week wait after my frozen embryo transfer. I had every intention of not testing early this cycle. Last IVF cycle I waited until beta day to pee on a stick. As we all know, that one came out negative but I was proud of my willpower. But this time I just couldn't help myself. I had sticks over from last time and they were calling to me. So yesterday (which would be 8 days past a 5 day transfer) I did it.

Holy Crap-a-Moley

Wouldn't you know the darn thing turned positive??? Wow! Of course I then started feeling horribly guilty for not testing when the hubby was home. He hates when I test without him. I ponder not telling him and trying to get him to agree to test the next day and acting surprised.

But that only lasted for about 15 minutes before I realized there's no way I could keep this to myself. So I sent the photo to his phone telling him I'd been naughty. He called back instantly because apparently he couldn't see the wording clearly on his non-smart phone. We both said holy crap to each other a bunch of times (or maybe it was holy something else, I can't remember) and I cried just a little bit.

Wow! I'm in total shock.

Now I know it's early days still and a positive pee test doesn't always translate into a positive beta. So we're not telling a soul until after beta on Wednesday. I'm still pretty much in denial until I get those results as well. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't delighted to see the positive test result!

Jet-Lag And The 2 Week Wait

I'm back from my transfer and fighting the jet-lag. It was a short visit to the US and I was just barely adjusting there and now I'm back and have to try and adjust back. Then next week on Monday I'm back to the US to see the family so I have to do it all over again. Although this time I will be going to the west coast so it's an 8 hour time difference. Not fun.

Today it's 5 days past my 5 day transfer and since I'm riddled with jet-lag I've got no idea if I'm feeling any real symptoms. I'm tired and hungry at all the wrong times which can easily be the time difference. I felt yucky after lunch today but that often happens to me when I'm adjusting to new time zones. So again, I have no idea if I feel any different.

I suppose it's silly playing this game with myself considering the last time I was pregnant I didn't feel any different until 7 weeks in. But like anyone in the 2WW I'm letting my mind play tricks on me. I suppose that just goes with the territory.

Beta is not until the 26th so I've got a ways to go. Oh, and I still don't know where I am going to be doing it yet. I don't have a doctor in California anymore and so the nurse at my US clinic is trying to find a lab where I can have it done. I just hope she can find someplace close to where we are staying.

So for now I'm just doing my injections and trying to live my life as normal as possible.

Rememberance Day

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant loss remembrance day. We remember all babies born still, or whom we have carried but never met, or those we have held but could not take home, or the ones that came home but did not stay. I will be participating in the 7th annual Wave of Light and will be lighting a candle at 7pm in honor of all our lost angels, including my son.

Thanks to Small Bird Studios for creating this lovely image.

Just Me And My Frosty

Today was my frozen embryo transfer day and I am now officially in my 2 week wait. It felt a lot like the last transfer day but with a few differences.

First, I was on my own, no hubby in sight. He had to be in a different country for business and couldn't make it this time.

Second, my RE wasn't the one doing my procedure. I was sitting in the lobby waiting to be called in. The nurse calls my name and brings me to the reception area and informs me I have a phone call from my RE. My heart dropped and I immediately thought the worst. But he was just calling to tell me he had a family emergency and couldn't be there to do the transfer. He wanted to let me know he was sorry and went over a few things with me. Phew, what a sigh of relief.


It was a bit strange getting ready for this transfer all by myself. I talked to the hubby on the phone right before I went in. I know he feels really guilty that he can't be with me this time. I do understand, but it was scarier on my own. I fought back the tears a bit as I put on the medical footies and undressed from the waist down (as you do). But I pulled myself together before any actual tears came.

The RE who did the transfer was very sweet. It hurt a bit more but that was probably because I was more tense this time. I laid on the table afterwards for about 30 minutes and then they sent me home with all the paperwork and a photo of Frosty.

So now Frosty and I are on bedrest. We took a nap and then caught up on some emails. Then we started watching an Entourage marathon. I somehow missed season 7 and figured this would be a great chance to catch up.

I do wish the hubby was here to keep me company though. It's just me and my Frosty,,,, but that's not such a bad thing now is it???

How Did I End Up In This Crazy Place?

I sit here at the computer with a clean house and a fully packed suitcase. Tomorrow morning I leave for the airport.

I'm off to the good old US of A where I am set to pick up frosty and bring him/her home with me. Not in a suitcase or an additional seat, but inside me.

It's such a strange thing to think that frosty has been waiting for me since he/she was fertilized in August. Sitting in a straw in a lab, just waiting to be defrosted and placed into my womb. I can't even describe the feelings I have about flying halfway across the world to have an embryo transfer. It seems so strange and very "jet-set."

I suppose it's not unusual these days, but if anyone had told me 10 years ago that someday I would be flying from one country to another to try for a baby I would have told them they were crazy. Because everyone knows that sex gets you pregnant. Unprotected sex without a care in the world results in an accidental pregnancy and a cute bouncy baby at the end.

At least that's the story they tell us. That's the story we see on TV programs and read about on the news. It happens to everyone around us, our neighbours, our friends, and even a few of our fellow classmates from the 11th grade.

It happens so often that we don't even think about it not happening.

We assume.

But for some of us things do not go quite as smoothly. We are responsible and use protection. We focus on our careers and being the best we can be. We get married and still we wait.

• Until we have enough money. 
• Until things at work are settled. 
• Until we can buy a house. 

And then when we are ready, we go off the pill and wait for our "accidental pregnancy." And we wait, and we wait, and we wait.

At some point we realize it's just not going to happen that way for us. So we start researching and asking questions. We make doctors appointments and are subjected to test after test. Some of us get answers, but many of us do not.

Unexplained infertility,,,,, will someone explain what the hell that is supposed to mean?

The rest of the journey takes us through uncharted territory. We meet with doctors we didn't know existed. We learn tons of medical terminology and jargon. We take hormones like they are candy, or like they are recreational drugs, or both. We hope and we pray and some of us get good news. Others of us hope and pray and get bad news.

In my case I got almost all the way to the finish line only to have my hopes shattered at 36 weeks by those 6 terrible words. "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat."

But somehow, despite all the bad news and setbacks we manage to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and throw ourselves right back out there. To a place where we are so vulnerable and so desperate for a good outcome that we will try almost anything.

For me, this means flying across the Atlantic because the don't have a good donor egg program in the country where I live. It means expensive, long, last minute flights for transfers. It means adjusting my injection times to match whatever timezone I'm in. It means working with 2 fertility clinics, one here and one there. It means communicating with my RE and Nurse via email and long distance phone calls.

Some days I wonder how I ended up in this crazy place. Most days I'm just hoping it's all worth it in the end. The day when I not only get pregnant, but I stay pregnant, and I get to bring home a living baby at the end of it all.

So my bag is packed, my boarding pass is printed, and I'm ready to go. Because this is my life now, and all I want is a healthy, living baby.

Mr Wandy Gave Me The Finger

As I briefly mentioned in a previous post, my second ultrasound and blood work for my frozen embryo cycle went well and I'm all set for my embryo transfer this Thursday. What I failed to share with you was what exactly happened at the clinic that day.

As many of you know, they check your lining using an internal ultrasound machine which I like to call Mr. Wandy. If you haven't had the pleasure of an appointment with him I will try to describe what he looks like.

He is long and skinny so he can fit just where he needs to go. He is white and plastic with a cord coming out of the bottom that attaches to the machine. He looks a bit like a curling iron without the metal barrel. He is usually covered with a condom and a bit of lube on the top. The first time I saw him I was a bit freaked out, but now I'm such a pro I hardly notice he's in the room.

The scan I had last week started off like any normal scan. I am called by the nurse and follow her to the exam room. She chats with me about the weather while I undress from the waist down and assume "the position." It's at this moment that I notice something is different about Mr Wandy.

Instead of being covered by a condom, he is being covered by a blue rubber glove. To be more specific, he is being covered by the middle finger of this blue rubber glove. There is a bit of lube squirted on top of the middle finger. The rest of the fingers and the thumb are flopping around limply while the middle finger stands at attention.

Now I'm assuming they used the glove because they were out of condoms. But I do have to say that it felt a bit strange being fingered by Mr. Wandy.

A Strange Patchwork Of Emotions

Yesterday I went in for my second ultrasound and blood test for my FET (that's frozen embryo transfer). Everything looks great. I've got a good triple-stripe lining and my hormone levels are good too. So I was given the go ahead to book my very expensive, last-minute flight to the US for my transfer.

It's scheduled for next week, Thursday the 13th. Exactly 1 year and 2 months after my son was born still. The significance of this date is not lost on me. I swear, you couldn't plan these things if you tried.

It's such a tricky thing trying for another baby while still mourning the one you've lost. Dates and milestones blend together in a strange patchwork of emotions. Where feelings of hopefulness exist side by side with feelings of despair. Where a simple date on the calendar can represent both the worst day of your life and the potential for a miracle.

I'm still working on the balance of hopefulness and despair. Perhaps there is never a balance. Perhaps there is never a way to work out feeling both sets of emotions at the same time. Perhaps we all just do the best we can to move forward and try not to trip over our feelings.

At the moment I'm trying to focus on my hope. I do believe that mindset can affect fertility and I want to give this cycle the best possible chance of success. I just hope I can manage it.

Remembering

Thank you so much to the amazing Carly Marie for creating this beautiful photo in honor of all our babies.

I am remembering my son today and always.

Frosty Update

My FET is moving right along. For those of you not entrenched in the world of IVF lingo, FET means frozen embryo transfer. I call mine frosty because it sounds cuter than FET and I try to avoid too many abbreviations and acronyms because I start to confuse myself at times.

No non-doctor should have to know this many medical terms,,, but alas that's life in the day of an infertile.

I've been injecting myself like a trooper and the poor hubby has been enduring the mood swings that go along with it. In a few days I will go back in for a date with Mr. Wandy (the internal ultrasound wand that gets inserted "you know where") to check my lining. *Must remember to shave my legs before that one.

As long as my lining and hormone levels are good then I can book my flight to the US to be reunited with Frosty. So if all goes well I'm about a week and a half away from my embryo transfer. I'm getting excited!