Wait And Worry

I finally heard back from my doctor's office and my ultrasound has been moved to next week. On the one hand this is good news because The Hubby really wants to be there, and I don't really want to go by myself. On the other hand this isn't good news because it means I have to wait another week to find out if everything is OK with our little baby-to-be.

As I mentioned before, I'm not as terrified this time around as I was when I was pregnant with Frostina. But once a BLM (that's Baby Loss Mom for those of you who are new to this blog) always a BLM. I think I could be pregnant 10 more times and still never feel completely safe and at ease. This delay is causing me to worry just a bit more.

I know logically that it doesn't matter if my scan is tomorrow or next week. I know that the date of scan won't influence if things are fine (or not fine) with baby-to-be. If things are going to go wrong, they will. My history tells me that they can go wrong when you least expect it. Things can go wrong even when you're not worried. So the worrying and wanting a scan every week won't change anything. And yet as I type this I am worried.

So for now I will wait and worry. Sigh.

Feeling Rough

I am officially 11 weeks pregnant today. I apologise for the lack of posts but I have been feeling ROUGH. The nausea and extreme exhaustion seem to be worse this time around. Either that or I have just forgotten how horrible the first trimester can be. I suspect it may be a bit of both. I think Mother Nature makes you forget about some of this stuff so you will have more kids.

I'm off all my medications now.

Hooray!

Up until last week I was still doing estrogen injections every third day and progesterone suppositories (yuck) twice a day. I am so glad to not have to inject myself with needles or stuff something up my butt everyday. If you haven't been through this you probably can't relate, but if you have then you know what a huge milestone this is. 

It's so much harder to manage early pregnancy when you have a toddler to chase around. Frostina has no empathy for poor Mommy. I actually feel pretty bad for her. The poor kid has been trapped inside with me for way too long.

There was a stretch where we didn't leave the house for almost a week. The poor kid kept bringing me my shoes and her shoes (a sign that she wanted to go out). When that didn't work she started bringing me her coat and my coat... that she somehow managed to wrangle off the coat rack.

So luckily on babysitter day (my one day a week where I have childcare) we had good weather and she could go out. I've never seen her so happy to put her shoes on and leave Mommy in the dust. No separation anxiety, no clinging to my leg. It was "See you later Mommy,,,, I'm going out!"

Next week we have our next scan. I'm still negotiating the dates because of course The Hubby is going to be out of town on the day I originally scheduled. The office has been mostly closed over the holidays so I haven't been able to confirm the date change yet. Here in the UK pretty much everything shuts down from December 24th until January 4th or 5th which is sooooo frustrating.

I'm impatient. I just want to take another peek to make sure everything is OK with this little one. I probably won't get a call from the doctor until Monday which sucks.

Please let everything be ok.

One Perfect Heartbeat

What lovely words I've just typed as the title to this post.

One perfect heartbeat.

That's what The Hubby and I saw at our ultrasound today. Well actually what we saw was a fuzzy blob with a dense center that was flickering like crazy. Since this isn't our first pregnancy, we knew instantly that our little embryo was officially viable.

What an amazing feeling.

So here we go again. Our third pregnancy. Our second pregnancy after a devastating loss. Do they call the second pregnancy after a loss a rainbow baby too? Maybe that's just for the first one.

I feel very different than I did when I was pregnant with Frostina. I just went back and looked at my blog post after this same ultrasound and I realize that I am in a very different place now.

Obviously I have Frostina to chase around and keep me too busy to obsess about every little detail. But the biggest difference is that I'm not nearly as terrified. Of course I know all to well that things can and do go wrong. Of course I know just how devastating that can be. Yet somehow, I am able to be optimistic. In spite of everything, I feel hopeful, and that's something I was unable to feel at this early stage with Frostina's pregnancy.

So I hope that's progress. And obviously I hope and pray that everything continues to go well with this pregnancy. I hope and pray that in July of 2014 we are able to bring this baby home to join our little family. I hope and pray for take-home baby number two!

I hope and pray.

Beta Results Are In

I know I'm late in posting about this so apologies all around.

Beta 1 and 2 results are in and I am officially pregnant!

I'm still in shock.

I'm already starting to feel nauseous which I'm seeing as a good sign. Only a newly pregnant woman wishes for nausea.

Anyway, ultrasound is in a week and half so now I'm praying for a heartbeat.

Wow, I still can't believe this is really happening.

Donor eggs really are amazing!

Of Course I Tested Early

Obviously we all know you are supposed to wait until beta test day to find out if your most recent assisted fertility treatments have worked.

But obviously I have ZERO patience so I always test early.

Just peed on a stick and the result is......... POSITIVE!

It's early days for sure and I won't know until beta day (next Tuesday) for sure. This could be a chemical pregnancy, but I'm hopeful that it's not.

Fingers crossed everyone!

P.U.P.O.

I'm officially PUPO. For those of you who have not had to burden yourselves with learning all the lingo and abbreviations that go along with infertility, PUPO means pregnant until proven otherwise.

The transfer went well. It was quite a whirlwind trip and I hardly had time to think about what was going on before it was over and done with. I missed Frostina, but not on the flights. I watched other parents walking up and down the aisles with their children and was sooooo happy it wasn't me for once.

We transferred one perfect embryo and had a couple left over to freeze. I'm hoping we won't need them, but it's nice to know they are there.

Stick little embryo, stick!

Now the dreaded 2 week wait.

Countdown To Transfer

Things have been crazy around here and I've been really bad at giving updates on my upcoming donor egg IVF cycle. I finally have a transfer date..... this Wednesday, the 6th of November. Eeek!

I've got my tickets booked to fly to the clinic and now I've just got to get my parents up to speed on Frostina's routine. Lucky me, I was able to fly to my parent's house last week so I can leave Frostina with them while I have my transfer done. The Hubby has to work out of town this week so if it wasn't them then I would have to hire my once-a-week babysitter for 3 days straight, including overnights. She was happy to do it, but I have no idea how much that would have cost me.

Probably less than a flight to the US, but my parents are absolutely loving all the extra time with their granddaughter so it's all worth it. Plus I don't have to worry nearly as much about her. All I have to worry about is staying sane and not freaking out too much between now and Wednesday.

I'm sure I will update you more this week since for at least a few days I won't have a super busy toddler to wrangle. Is it wrong that I'm looking forward to a plane ride without someone climbing all over me? One where I can actually read a book and watch a movie?

I'm doing my best to stay positive and am operating on the philosophy that this will work and in a few weeks I will be getting a positive pregnancy test, and after 9 months,,,, a healthy baby brother or sister for Frostina. Fingers and toes crossed.

Such A Cute View

Frostina was a bit of a late crawler which had me pretty worried for a while there. Once she got the hang of that it wasn't long until she was walking. It's been nice to finally see her being able to keep up with the other toddlers her age. *Side note- I love that I can say I have a toddler* She is having a blast exploring the world around her.

Now that she's walking I notice that I do a lot more chasing than I used to. She's getting really quick these days. Especially if I have forgotten to shut the baby gate or a door leading into a forbidden room. Then she's off with a squeal and a flash.

I find I spend quite a bit of time looking at the back of her, and the view is pretty cute. Don't you think?

Exploring our back garden

Checking out her shadow

On the way to the Halloween Parade

At the local park

Babyloss Rememberance Day

I so wish that this wasn't a day that I mark every year on the calendar.

Today and everyday I remember my beloved son. I also honor and remember all of your precious babies who you can only hold in your heart.

A Strange IVF Cycle

I apologise for the lack of posts about my IVF cycle. For some reason I'm having a tough time expressing my feelings about it. Not just here in this space, but in real life as well. I'm operating as if I'm not really doing this.

As if I'm not actually injecting myself with hormones that make me crazy tired and crazy emotional. As if I'm not a week away from getting updates on my donor's progress. As if I don't have a schedule that includes an estimated embryo transfer date.  As if I don't have to fly to the US for transfer in a few short weeks. As if we're not putting all our hopes and dreams into this.

Because we are, and I am.

But for whatever reason, I'm not allowing myself to focus on it too much. I don't know if it's because I'm just too busy with Frostina, or if it's something else. All I know is that I want it just as much as when we were trying to conceive my son, and as much as when we were trying to conceive Frostina. I just can't bring myself to think about it too much.

It's strange.