Babyloss Rememberance Day

I so wish that this wasn't a day that I mark every year on the calendar.

Today and everyday I remember my beloved son. I also honor and remember all of your precious babies who you can only hold in your heart.

A Strange IVF Cycle

I apologise for the lack of posts about my IVF cycle. For some reason I'm having a tough time expressing my feelings about it. Not just here in this space, but in real life as well. I'm operating as if I'm not really doing this.

As if I'm not actually injecting myself with hormones that make me crazy tired and crazy emotional. As if I'm not a week away from getting updates on my donor's progress. As if I don't have a schedule that includes an estimated embryo transfer date.  As if I don't have to fly to the US for transfer in a few short weeks. As if we're not putting all our hopes and dreams into this.

Because we are, and I am.

But for whatever reason, I'm not allowing myself to focus on it too much. I don't know if it's because I'm just too busy with Frostina, or if it's something else. All I know is that I want it just as much as when we were trying to conceive my son, and as much as when we were trying to conceive Frostina. I just can't bring myself to think about it too much.

It's strange.

How To Spot A Fake Blogger

What happens when a blog you follow suddenly feels like it's not real? When it suddenly starts to read like fiction? When you go back into the archives and start to wonder if any of the horrible things that have happened to the writer actually happened?

What do you do?

I'm going to go slightly off topic today. Not because I have nothing else to say about missing my son, or about my ongoing donor egg IVF cycle. I have lots to say about that. But something has distracted me and I can't get it off my mind.

I am starting to think that a blog I read occasionally may be a fabrication. I know, it's a horrible accusation to make. After all, I've had devastating things happen to me: things I've written about here in this very space. Unthinkable things like babies dying after a perfectly normal pregnancy. Tragic things like picking up the pieces and starting over after life deals you one of the worst hands it's got.

I know these things do happen and that people do talk about them. But somehow this particular blog is starting to seem unreal. So many different horrible things have happened to it's author. And everything happens so fast. Jumping from one tragedy to another, like a soap opera.There's hardly a break before the next big thing.

If you are reading this post then I can assure you that your blog is not the one I'm talking about. I am almost 100% sure that the person who writes the blog in question doesn't follow mine. I don't think I've ever commented on her blog and I know for sure she's never commented on mine. My blog is small potatoes compared to hers so I'm pretty sure I'm not on her radar.

I had originally started following her story when it was nothing like mine. She had different struggles than I do but I was attracted to her writing and I wanted a happy ending for her.Yet it seems that each time she reaches the end of one struggle, another one quickly takes it's place. Things that are unrelated to the previous issue she was battling.

I actually stopped following her story quite a while ago, after something she was writing about didn't sit well with me. At the time I felt she was a bit smug and presuming and my interest in her journey started to wane. But I still check in from time to time and it was recently that I read something that made me start to doubt it all.

So I think I won't "pop" over to see what's next for her. I think I'm done. It's a shame, especially if it all turns out to be true and she really has had THAT many terrible things happen in succession. If it's all really true then I suppose it's shame on me for not believing. 

Has this ever happened to you? Do we take for granted that people who take the time to write and share their stories are telling the truth? Does it really matter?

The Same, But Very Different

I've started my Lupron injections which means my current donor egg IVF cycle is officially underway.

There are lots of ways that this cycle feels very much like the ones we did a couple of years ago. I have dug out my Bag 'O Meds from the garage and filled it up with a new batch of medication, needles, cotton balls, alcohol wipes, bandaids, and of course my sharps container. I have printed my injection schedule and am crossing off the days as they go.

I'm feeling like I remember feeling the last time I started on all the hormones. I have been crying at stupid things like X-Factor. Not that X-Factor is stupid of course, but it's nothing to cry over. I'm nervous and excited just like last time as well.

But this cycle is very different than last time for one huge reason; and that reason is Frostina.

It is very different going through an IVF cycle when you have a living child to take care of. The last time around I was broken and lonely and absolutely desperate for a living child. Not just to fill the hole left in my heart when my son died, but to finally complete our family. I spent hours upon hours obsessing over every detail of my upcoming cycle. I had everything mapped out. I had a special place to do my injections and quite a bit of mental warm up before each one. I was focused.

This time around I just don't have the time to be obsessed. I don't have the time to calm myself mentally before doing each injection. I don't have time to focus. This time around I have to work them around Frostina and her needs.

This means that my daily injections look a bit like this.

1. Wait until after Frostina has finished her morning milk. Otherwise she will run around the room with her sippy cup leaving a trail of milk in her wake.
2. Put a children's program on the TV (hooray for the electronic babysitter).
3. Quickly dash out of the room when she's not looking and go to my bedroom.
4. Collect Bag 'O Meds from the closet (where I have to hide it from Frostina).
5. Unpack meds and do injection.
6. If Frostina starts crying before I'm done, try my best to ignore her and hurry up.
7. Clean up, making sure not to leave anything behind that Frostina can get her hands on.
8. Go back out to the living room and hope she hasn't managed to get into anything she wasn't supposed to when I was gone. 

Thankfully once the Lupron is done I can do the rest of the injections in the evening after Frostina has gone to bed. That will make things much more calm.

IVF- More Than Just An Injection Schedule

I'm not feeling very eloquent these days but I want to do more in this space than just list the stats and dates for this donor egg IVF cycle. There are a million places where you can read about all that and since I'm not a medical expert but a blogger, I realise that what I want to do here is talk about the journey.

It's easy to get caught up in the dates and the schedule and all the acronyms. You have to keep track of when to start each medicine and when to stop. Injections are carefully timed within a few hours of each other each day. In my case I even have to figure in time differences so that when I travel abroad I don't end up having to get up in the middle of the night to do them. It would also be nice if I could figure out a way to not have to do them on the airplane,,, but I fear that may be unavoidable.

Maybe I've been focusing on the dates and stats and appointment dates because it's easier than letting myself focus on my feelings. After all, it's a pretty scary thing to jump back on the IVF bandwagon. The hormones make what is already an emotional time a super-duper emotional time. Super-duper isn't really the right word of course but this early in the morning it's all I can come up with.

Ultimately, all the planning and injections and appointments have an end goal. This isn't just an exercise in timekeeping. It's all about the result. Will all this effort result in a pregnancy? Will a pregnancy result in a healthy baby?

If I'm not pregnant then I have to do it all over again. If I'm not pregnant, do I have the strength to do it all over again? I try not to focus on this part because I have to get through this cycle first. But at times it's hard not to get ahead of myself.

This time around I don't have nearly as much time to sit around dwelling on my feelings. I've got Frostina to look after. Frostina, my beautiful rainbow baby. She's my inspiration here. A reminder that if you don't take chances you don't get rewards. She is proof that all this can be worth it.

Frostina is almost 16 months old now and boy does she keep me busy. I hope that being busy with her will help keep me from obsessing. Not completely, but just enough so that I'm not the complete neurotic mess I was the last time. Or maybe I still will be a neurotic mess, just one with less time to be that way.

I start my Lupron injections tomorrow. Just in case you were wondering about my injection schedule. :)

We Have Dates!

I finally have a schedule from the clinic!

I swear it seems like this part has taken FOREVER.

Basically I start my injections of Lupron on the 26th. Ugh.

Estimated transfer date is November 1.

Yikes.

I will keep you updated of course.

And So It Begins

Well I'm officially on my way. I started on birth control pills today which is the first step in the process.

They put me on birth control pills to synch my cycle with the egg donor's. That way we can start taking all our medications in synch. We do this so that when she is ready for egg retrieval, my body is ready to hold the embryos. It's very complicated and I'm sure part of the reason that things like this are so expensive.

I don't have my complete schedule just yet, but taking this first step feels like we're finally getting this thing started. And that's a good feeling.

Just Like Escrow, But You Get A Baby Instead Of A House

I forgot just how much paperwork is involved with a donor egg IVF cycle.

First you pay the clinic an ungodly amount money. Then the dreaded paperwork begins.

Sign this and scan/email it back to us.

Sign this and send the original to me at .....

Make sure this signature is notarized.

This one doesn't have to be notarized.

Consent forms up the wazoo.

I consent to this, I consent to that.

I promise to do this and I promise not to do that.

What to do with embryos left over? What to do if one of us dies before treatment is complete (really?)?

What to do if you cut your finger on this disclosure statement?

I swear, the last time I signed this many forms I was buying a house!!!

*Well sort of. We went through this process with Frostina a couple of years ago and the last time we bought a house was in 2003,,, but you get my drift. It's a lot like going through escrow, but instead of getting a house, you get a baby (if all goes well).

Egg Donor 2.0 Has Been Selected

Ever since we made the decision to try for another baby things have been very slowly moving forward. Things always take longer than we think they will for various reasons but we finally got all the preliminary steps out of the way and were granted access to chose donor 2.0.

Choosing an egg donor is tricky business. Back in 2011 when we were choosing Frostina's donor I wrote about my struggles here and here. I just went back and re-read both posts and have to say that it was pretty much the same this time around.

Sure we knew how to do it and yes it wasn't nearly as overwhelming this time around. But this time around there was a third point to consider. Did we want to pick a donor that looked like Frostina? After all, if this whole thing works then this person will be Frostina's sibling. So considering we couldn't use the donor we did for her, should we try and find a donor who looks similar?

I know, I know, looks aren't everything. And of course we looked for a proven donor with a good medical history. But what I have learned is that looks do matter a bit. I don't mean attractive or not attractive, I mean looking like Mommy or Daddy.

People are obsessed with looks when it comes to babies. They examine every nook and cranny of your little one trying to determine who he or she looks like. If I had a pound for every time I hear how Frostina looks nothing like me I'd be a very rich woman. So this time around we did take this into consideration.

In the end I think we found a donor who ticked all the boxes. So now we pay the clinic and get this party started!

Happy 3rd Birthday In Heaven

My beautiful beloved little boy,

I can't believe it's been 3 years since we said hello and good bye to you. There are times when it feels like just yesterday. And there are times when it seems like a million years ago. Your daddy and I love you very much and we miss you like crazy.

I know it might not seem like it nowadays since we are so busy taking care of your little sister, but we haven't forgotten you.

You are still there... just pushed a little bit back in our minds. Not because we don't love you... but because it's not possible to focus enough on taking care of your sister while thinking of you constantly.

In the beginning it was easy to think of you night and day. But now that Frostina is here, we have to focus on her.

Please know that you are not being pushed aside. You are merely working your way into the patchwork of our lives. You have become part of the thread that holds this family together. We were not the same before you, and we will never be the same since we lost you. It is because of you that we are the strong, loving family we are today.

We appreciate everything so much more now that we know just how it feels to lose someone we loved so much. Even though we never got to know you, we love you and miss you everyday.

So while you may not be the first thing we think of when we wake up anymore. While you may not be the last person we think of before we fall asleep anymore. While we don't cry ourselves to sleep each night missing you anymore. Please know that you are still an essential part of our new family,,,, and an even more essential part of our new normal. Without you there would be no us. You will always be a very special and important part of our lives.

Oh, and I hope you don't mind that we let Frostina play with your birthday balloon for a few days before we released it. She just loved it so much and we figured you would be old enough now to want to share.

Love always,

Mommy and Daddy, and your little sister, Frostina.