I've been blogging since a few months after my son died and was born. Along the way I have connected with other bloggers who share my story. There is a special bond between us, we are sisters in grief. Many of us have gone on to have our rainbow babies. Some have stopped blogging, but a few of us have continued. It's been nice to be able to see how other BLM's are dealing with life after our rainbows are born.
I was particularly touched by something Laura Jane wrote recently. She wrote an amazing post about living in the everyday after losing a baby. So much of what she said hit home with me. How do you live each day for the rest of your life where your first baby died? I won't try to recreate her thoughts here because she did it so well, so make sure you click the link and read it for yourself.
The part that really got me thinking was about how everything in her current life is the way it is because her firstborn son died. It's so true. Everything about my current life is the way it is because my son died. Nothing in my life now would be exactly the same if he had lived.
Yes, I have my rainbow baby now and to the outside world I'm sure I look just like every other new mother. Only I'm not. For the longest time I surrounded myself with familiar friends. Friends who know my story. Friends who don't ever need an explanation for why things are the way they are. Safe friends.
Now that Frostina is in the world I'm doing lots of new things. I've entered the world of "Mommies and Daddies." I'm in a playgroup and have even joined a Gymboree class. All the things I dreamed of doing with my son but never had the chance to do. I'm finally living the life of a parent who has a living baby,,, and I'm loving it.
The issue though is this. None of these people know my story. So within the course of the normal "getting to know you" conversation I have lots of landmines to step over. Sometimes I catch myself telling a pregnancy story and about halfway through I realize I'm talking about my first pregnancy, not my second. When people find out Frostina was born via C-section and was early and they ask why I still struggle with the answer. Sometimes I say it's because she was transverse (which she was). Sometimes I say it's because my pregnancy was high risk but I don't elaborate. And in very rare instances I tell the truth.
I just never know how much to tell. How much to disclose about my personal tragedy. After all, new friendships are fragile. If you come on too strong, or too fragile, or "too much drama," you can be written off before you have a chance to get to know someone. But if you wait too long then you can seem fake or insincere. So what to say, and when to say it is a struggle for me.
I mean, when is the right time to drop the "dead baby" bomb?
When is it the right time to start seeing those looks of pity and relief that it's your story and not theirs written on the faces of people you hardly know?
When is it the right time to freak out and scare off people that you may want to build a friendship with?
When is it the right time to be reminded that once again, you are "that women" and not just another normal new mother?
When will there be a time when I don't feel the stigma, and taboo, and silence that surrounds stillbirth?
When will I ever get used to this new normal that I'm living?
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
Friday, 22 February 2013
Monday, 18 February 2013
So Now Formula Feeding Your Baby Is As Bad As Smoking?
Is feeding your baby formula as bad as smoking? Are mothers who don't breastfeed causing serious harm to their children's health? Should baby formula packaging come with a warning label similar to the ones found on cigarette packs?
Sounds crazy right? But according to a report published by the charity Save the Children, that's all true and is exactly what should happen. I'm not going to link to them but you can look them and their report up if you want to.
I read through the report, not all 75 pages of course, but I did read it. I focused mostly on the section where they talk about the makers of baby formula. Here's what I gleaned from my read-through.
A huge label that shouts, "You are a terrible mother/father if you feed this to your baby!" "If you feed this to your baby you will probably ruin his/her health for life!" "So you better pop that boob back out and try again, because if you can't breastfeed then you are damaging your baby forever!"
Ok, I'm sure the label won't say those words specifically. I'm sure they will be all official and much more scary. I also know that the result of those words will make Mothers like me, who were unable to breastfeed feel even more guilty and horrible than we already felt the first time we opened a package of formula for our babies.
Plus, baby formula packaging already contains a disclaimer that says breast milk is best and that formula is a breast milk substitute. In fact, on the website for the brand I use (Aptamil) you have to click a disclaimer that says, "Breastfeeding is best for babies and provides many benefits. It is important that, in preparation for and during breastfeeding, you eat a healthy, balanced diet. Combined breast and bottle feeding in the first weeks of life may reduce the supply of your own breastmilk, and reversing the decision not to breastfeed is difficult. The social and financial implications of using an infant milk should be considered. Improper use of an infant milk or inappropriate foods or feeding methods may present a health hazard. If you use an infant milk, you should follow manufacturer’s instructions for use carefully – failure to follow the instructions may make your baby ill. Always consult your doctor, midwife or health visitor for advice about feeding your baby." before you can even view what products they sell. So why the need for a bigger warning label?
I know that this charity mostly focuses on women and babies in the developing world and I think a lot of the work that they do is pretty great. But the things they recommend should (in their opinion) apply around the world. Which means these warning labels would be placed on all baby formula packaging in the UK and Europe, and in America as well.
Reading through their report I learned that in some places women don't know they should try to breastfeed within the first hour. In some of these countries they think they should feed their babies all kinds of strange things. There are also cultural issues that prevent women who may want to breastfeed from doing so. So I get the focus on education and the idea that breastmilk is best.
I also read in the report that the baby formula companies are targeting the developing world as new potential customers. They seem to spin this as a travesty. My opinion is that if women in the developing world have trouble breastfeeding, like I did, then isn't it wonderful that there is another option for them? That instead of these babies being fed cow's or goat's milk, or something else that is unsuitable for newborns, they can obtain a formula that will sustain their baby?
If a woman can't breastfeed and lives in a place where no suitable breastmilk substitute is available then what happens to that baby? My guess is that he or she will eventually die of malnutrition. So what's wrong with advertising an available option that could be the difference between a healthy baby and a dead one? And considering that the slogan for Save the Children is, "No Child Born to Die," you would think that they would want families to have every available option to be able to feed their children properly. Instead, they seem to be pushing the "only breastmilk will do" agenda.
I don't normally get involved with what I consider to be controversial issues here. Partly because it's not really that kind of blog and partly because I don't always want to "stir the pot" or in any way contribute to the drama that surrounds these kinds of debates. Especially when the debate is about breastfeeding vs formula feeding.
My take is that people should do what works best for their family. Not every Mother can breastfeed, and not all babies can either. Some women opt for breast feeding only, some opt for formula feeding only, and some do a combination. In some cases these are conscious decisions, and in other cases there was no option. In my opinion, these are very personal decisions and it disgusts me when people get all high and mighty and preach that their chosen way is the only way.
So the idea of putting a warning label on baby formula that is at least one third the size of the package? A label that lists all the things that are wrong with feeding your baby formula? A label that will make parents who are doing everything they can to take care of their babies feel awful? A label that would have made me feel even more guilty and inadequate about not being able to breastfeed than I already did? A label that at the moment is only put on things that are poisonous? A label like the kind you find on a carton of cigarettes?
I don't think so.
Sounds crazy right? But according to a report published by the charity Save the Children, that's all true and is exactly what should happen. I'm not going to link to them but you can look them and their report up if you want to.
I read through the report, not all 75 pages of course, but I did read it. I focused mostly on the section where they talk about the makers of baby formula. Here's what I gleaned from my read-through.
- The evil manufacturers of baby formula have to figure out a way to get women to buy their clearly inferior product.
- They are competing with a product (breast milk) which is not only superior in every way, but is free. So they really have their work cut out for them.
- These evil companies are resorting to dastardly tactics in order to accomplish this goal.
- These dastardly tactics include
- Advertising their products. (the horror)
- Giving free samples to midwives and new parents. (how dare they)
- Giving free gifts with the company logo to health care workers, i.e. pens, pads of paper, and such. (round them all up and throw them in jail now)
- Something must be done to keep these evil companies from promoting their "poison" onto new mothers.
- One reason something must be done is that these companies are offering something that costs money and many people don't have the money to buy this evil baby formula.
- After all, breast is best.
A huge label that shouts, "You are a terrible mother/father if you feed this to your baby!" "If you feed this to your baby you will probably ruin his/her health for life!" "So you better pop that boob back out and try again, because if you can't breastfeed then you are damaging your baby forever!"
Ok, I'm sure the label won't say those words specifically. I'm sure they will be all official and much more scary. I also know that the result of those words will make Mothers like me, who were unable to breastfeed feel even more guilty and horrible than we already felt the first time we opened a package of formula for our babies.
Plus, baby formula packaging already contains a disclaimer that says breast milk is best and that formula is a breast milk substitute. In fact, on the website for the brand I use (Aptamil) you have to click a disclaimer that says, "Breastfeeding is best for babies and provides many benefits. It is important that, in preparation for and during breastfeeding, you eat a healthy, balanced diet. Combined breast and bottle feeding in the first weeks of life may reduce the supply of your own breastmilk, and reversing the decision not to breastfeed is difficult. The social and financial implications of using an infant milk should be considered. Improper use of an infant milk or inappropriate foods or feeding methods may present a health hazard. If you use an infant milk, you should follow manufacturer’s instructions for use carefully – failure to follow the instructions may make your baby ill. Always consult your doctor, midwife or health visitor for advice about feeding your baby." before you can even view what products they sell. So why the need for a bigger warning label?
I know that this charity mostly focuses on women and babies in the developing world and I think a lot of the work that they do is pretty great. But the things they recommend should (in their opinion) apply around the world. Which means these warning labels would be placed on all baby formula packaging in the UK and Europe, and in America as well.
Reading through their report I learned that in some places women don't know they should try to breastfeed within the first hour. In some of these countries they think they should feed their babies all kinds of strange things. There are also cultural issues that prevent women who may want to breastfeed from doing so. So I get the focus on education and the idea that breastmilk is best.
I also read in the report that the baby formula companies are targeting the developing world as new potential customers. They seem to spin this as a travesty. My opinion is that if women in the developing world have trouble breastfeeding, like I did, then isn't it wonderful that there is another option for them? That instead of these babies being fed cow's or goat's milk, or something else that is unsuitable for newborns, they can obtain a formula that will sustain their baby?
If a woman can't breastfeed and lives in a place where no suitable breastmilk substitute is available then what happens to that baby? My guess is that he or she will eventually die of malnutrition. So what's wrong with advertising an available option that could be the difference between a healthy baby and a dead one? And considering that the slogan for Save the Children is, "No Child Born to Die," you would think that they would want families to have every available option to be able to feed their children properly. Instead, they seem to be pushing the "only breastmilk will do" agenda.
I don't normally get involved with what I consider to be controversial issues here. Partly because it's not really that kind of blog and partly because I don't always want to "stir the pot" or in any way contribute to the drama that surrounds these kinds of debates. Especially when the debate is about breastfeeding vs formula feeding.
My take is that people should do what works best for their family. Not every Mother can breastfeed, and not all babies can either. Some women opt for breast feeding only, some opt for formula feeding only, and some do a combination. In some cases these are conscious decisions, and in other cases there was no option. In my opinion, these are very personal decisions and it disgusts me when people get all high and mighty and preach that their chosen way is the only way.
So the idea of putting a warning label on baby formula that is at least one third the size of the package? A label that lists all the things that are wrong with feeding your baby formula? A label that will make parents who are doing everything they can to take care of their babies feel awful? A label that would have made me feel even more guilty and inadequate about not being able to breastfeed than I already did? A label that at the moment is only put on things that are poisonous? A label like the kind you find on a carton of cigarettes?
I don't think so.
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
I've Supported Return To Zero, Will You?
I've seen a few posts around the blogosphere about a movie that's being made about stillbirth. I won't link them all but I will post a link to Still Standing where the director is interviewed about the project.
Obviously the film is still under production so I haven't seen the finished product yet. But what I like is that it is written by a Baby Loss Dad. Not just someone who is exploring what it might be like to lose a child, but someone who has actually been through the hell that is stillbirth. Someone who knows what it's like to hear those horrible words, "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat." Someone who has to deliver a baby they know is no longer alive. Someone who has to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on with life. A life that is never the same, even when people think you must be "all better" by now.
As you can imagine, the studios in Hollywood are not breaking down doors to fund this film. Apparently even with big stars like Minnie Driver attached to the project, a film about a dead baby is having trouble getting financial backers.
Here's where you can help. If you click on this link you can get lots more information on the film. Plus you can donate money to help make sure it can be completed and released for the public to see. I did, and hopefully you will too.
I should mention that this is NOT a sponsored post. I don't do sponsored posts and the makers of this movie have no idea I'm writing about them here. Partly because I don't know them and didn't tell them and partly because I donated in my real name and I blog here anonymously. So I'm pretty sure there will be no way for them to ever figure out that I'm the one helping to promote them.
I don't ask for much around here, but the idea that a film is being made that can help break the stigma and silence surrounding stillbirth really moves me. So help if you can, even $1 will do.
Obviously the film is still under production so I haven't seen the finished product yet. But what I like is that it is written by a Baby Loss Dad. Not just someone who is exploring what it might be like to lose a child, but someone who has actually been through the hell that is stillbirth. Someone who knows what it's like to hear those horrible words, "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat." Someone who has to deliver a baby they know is no longer alive. Someone who has to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on with life. A life that is never the same, even when people think you must be "all better" by now.
As you can imagine, the studios in Hollywood are not breaking down doors to fund this film. Apparently even with big stars like Minnie Driver attached to the project, a film about a dead baby is having trouble getting financial backers.
Here's where you can help. If you click on this link you can get lots more information on the film. Plus you can donate money to help make sure it can be completed and released for the public to see. I did, and hopefully you will too.
I should mention that this is NOT a sponsored post. I don't do sponsored posts and the makers of this movie have no idea I'm writing about them here. Partly because I don't know them and didn't tell them and partly because I donated in my real name and I blog here anonymously. So I'm pretty sure there will be no way for them to ever figure out that I'm the one helping to promote them.
I don't ask for much around here, but the idea that a film is being made that can help break the stigma and silence surrounding stillbirth really moves me. So help if you can, even $1 will do.
Sunday, 10 February 2013
Teeth At Last?
It's been a while since I've given a Frostina update. I sometimes get so wrapped up in all my emotions and what-not that I forget I have this amazing little person living with me. So here goes...
She is 8 months old now and so much fun. Her favourite thing is the Winnie the Pooh jumperoo that I got her for Christmas. I swear, that kid would spend 24/7 in that thing if I would let her. She is also obsessed with TV clickers and any type of mobile device. Which means The Hubby and I are constantly hiding our phones and blackberries from her. A couple of days ago she found the TV remote and almost blew out the speakers when she hit the volume button until it was maxed out.
She's sitting up on her own with hardly any support which is amazing to me. She still hates tummy time so I've got to catch her in just the right mood in order to make it happen.
She knows how to roll over from front to back but hardly does it. Instead she will cry when she's sick of being on her tummy until I come to rescue her. She can almost roll from back to front, but since she hates being on her tummy I can't see her doing that anytime soon.
If she spends enough time on her tummy she will do this thing where she raises her butt in the air and tries to move forwards. But mostly she will just cry until I come over to sit her up which is her favourite way to spend her time not in the jumperoo.
She is making some hilarious noises these days. In addition to babbling and cooing, she is prone to squealing and making what I like to call "monster noises." She loves to laugh and smile. She also likes to shake her head back and forth, especially when I sing to her.
Oh, and I think we are finally getting some teeth. In fact, I think we are getting two teeth at once. It's hard to know since she won't let me peek in to see them. Every time I try and open her mouth she sticks her tongue out so I can't see anything. But I'm pretty sure they are almost here.
She is 8 months old now and so much fun. Her favourite thing is the Winnie the Pooh jumperoo that I got her for Christmas. I swear, that kid would spend 24/7 in that thing if I would let her. She is also obsessed with TV clickers and any type of mobile device. Which means The Hubby and I are constantly hiding our phones and blackberries from her. A couple of days ago she found the TV remote and almost blew out the speakers when she hit the volume button until it was maxed out.
She's sitting up on her own with hardly any support which is amazing to me. She still hates tummy time so I've got to catch her in just the right mood in order to make it happen.
She knows how to roll over from front to back but hardly does it. Instead she will cry when she's sick of being on her tummy until I come to rescue her. She can almost roll from back to front, but since she hates being on her tummy I can't see her doing that anytime soon.
If she spends enough time on her tummy she will do this thing where she raises her butt in the air and tries to move forwards. But mostly she will just cry until I come over to sit her up which is her favourite way to spend her time not in the jumperoo.
She is making some hilarious noises these days. In addition to babbling and cooing, she is prone to squealing and making what I like to call "monster noises." She loves to laugh and smile. She also likes to shake her head back and forth, especially when I sing to her.
Oh, and I think we are finally getting some teeth. In fact, I think we are getting two teeth at once. It's hard to know since she won't let me peek in to see them. Every time I try and open her mouth she sticks her tongue out so I can't see anything. But I'm pretty sure they are almost here.
Monday, 4 February 2013
Crying In Toy Stores
At some point I would like to be able to report that I am no longer crying in public places. I'd like to report that I no longer have flashbacks that bring me to tears. I'd like to be able to report that I don't have random crying jags anymore. Today is not going to be that day.
Apparently I am stuck with this new found propensity for crying in public. Actually, it's not that new anymore. It's been happening since my son died almost 2 and a half years ago. Wow, typing that just made me realize that it's been almost 2 and a half years since we said good bye. That's a long time.
I stopped carrying around my sunglasses because I thought perhaps I was past this whole thing. Really I should have known better after what happened when I took Frostina to see Santa. But clearly I am still in denial that my emotions are so much closer to the surface than they used to be.
The Hubby and I just got back from a week away. It was nice to be on vacation in America without the obligation of visiting family and basically being passed around like an expat ping pong ball. We had lots of time to sight see and shop without having to worry about balancing our time between his and my family. It was a very nice week away.
On the last day we decided to kill some time before we had to go to the airport by doing some shopping. Naturally we ended up in a toy store. It's a whole new experience being in a toy store now that we have a living baby to buy things for. She's still a bit too young to tell us what she wants, but she was clearly enthralled with the store. They obviously know how to capture even a babies interest at the Disney Store because she was oohing and aahhing and squealing with laughter. It was one of the funniest things I've seen.
As we were browsing the princess section I burst into tears. I'm sure I looked like a complete idiot. I mean, seriously, who cries at the Disney Store??? Me apparently.
The Hubby was completely confused. "What's wrong?" he asked me. Nothing was wrong of course. I was just overwhelmed at the fact that we actually have a baby who we can buy princess toys for, and princess outfits, and princess crowns.... you get the idea.
For so long I thought this day would never come. The day when we went to toy stores like normal people and got toys for our child. The day when I would no longer rush past toy stores trying not to look in and see other people and their happy children.
This day I was one of those parents. A happy parent pushing around my happy, squealing baby. My happy baby who I could buy a princess toy for. Not that I looked like a happy parent with tears streaming down my face,,, but I'm working on that part.
Apparently I am stuck with this new found propensity for crying in public. Actually, it's not that new anymore. It's been happening since my son died almost 2 and a half years ago. Wow, typing that just made me realize that it's been almost 2 and a half years since we said good bye. That's a long time.
I stopped carrying around my sunglasses because I thought perhaps I was past this whole thing. Really I should have known better after what happened when I took Frostina to see Santa. But clearly I am still in denial that my emotions are so much closer to the surface than they used to be.
The Hubby and I just got back from a week away. It was nice to be on vacation in America without the obligation of visiting family and basically being passed around like an expat ping pong ball. We had lots of time to sight see and shop without having to worry about balancing our time between his and my family. It was a very nice week away.
On the last day we decided to kill some time before we had to go to the airport by doing some shopping. Naturally we ended up in a toy store. It's a whole new experience being in a toy store now that we have a living baby to buy things for. She's still a bit too young to tell us what she wants, but she was clearly enthralled with the store. They obviously know how to capture even a babies interest at the Disney Store because she was oohing and aahhing and squealing with laughter. It was one of the funniest things I've seen.
As we were browsing the princess section I burst into tears. I'm sure I looked like a complete idiot. I mean, seriously, who cries at the Disney Store??? Me apparently.
The Hubby was completely confused. "What's wrong?" he asked me. Nothing was wrong of course. I was just overwhelmed at the fact that we actually have a baby who we can buy princess toys for, and princess outfits, and princess crowns.... you get the idea.
For so long I thought this day would never come. The day when we went to toy stores like normal people and got toys for our child. The day when I would no longer rush past toy stores trying not to look in and see other people and their happy children.
This day I was one of those parents. A happy parent pushing around my happy, squealing baby. My happy baby who I could buy a princess toy for. Not that I looked like a happy parent with tears streaming down my face,,, but I'm working on that part.
Wednesday, 30 January 2013
So,,, Are You Going To Try For Another One?
To try for another baby, that is the question.
It's the question that The Hubby has been asking me since Frostina was a few months old. It's the question that friends and family are starting to ask now that Frostina is almost 8 months old. It's the question that I have been asking myself.
It's the question I don't know how to answer.
Would I like another living child? Of course I would. If they just walked around passing out healthy babies I'd grab one in a hot second. If The Hubby and I could just live our lives and "see what happens" and get pregnant with little or no effort, I'd probably take a chance.
If our firstborn son hadn't died in utero at 36 weeks and my subsequent pregnancy with Frostina hadn't been filled with panic and fear, I'd start trying again today.
But that's not how things work for us. Well actually, the first part doesn't happen for anyone... unless there is a place where they just knock on doors and give deserving families healthy babies... if so I'll move there tomorrow. The way things work for The Hubby and I is much more complicated.
Trying for another baby would be a very deliberate process. A process we would be walking into knowing exactly how it would work. Knowing exactly how hard it would be. Knowing exactly how it feels when things work out. And knowing exactly how it feels when things don't work out.
I know exactly how it feels when things don't work out. The tears when my period comes after a failed cycle. The extra hormones and severe cramping that come along with it. The feeling of failure and hopelessness. Having to work myself up to try another cycle, trying to stay positive, trying to imagine that it will work the next time.
I also know exactly how it feels when a cycle does work, and you get pregnant. When you buy baby things, pick out names, and have a baby shower. I know exactly how it feels to get to 36 weeks of pregnancy and have it all taken away with 6 little words, "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat." I know just how hard it is to pick up the pieces and move on after a blow like that.
And pick up the pieces we did. We took a chance and after jumping through a lot of hurdles, we now have our little baby Frostina. She is the joy in our hearts and we wouldn't have her if we hadn't been willing to take a huge risk and leap of faith. I can't imagine my life without her and I don't regret for one moment all that it took to get her here.
But to do it again? I don't know.
After over 10 years I'm finally a parent to a living baby. That emptiness and yearning and desperation that comes with wanting a living child and not having one has been filled. Yes, I'm still infertile,,, but for the first time in a very long time I'm not obsessing about it. My life isn't dictated by my cycles and medications and exams. I no longer worry about when my period comes or if CD-whatever falls on a Sunday when the clinic would be closed.
For the moment I am free of all that. Free. Freedom feels wonderful.
Do we want to try again? Do we owe it to Frostina to give her a living sibling? Or are we happy being a family of 3 plus an angel?
I don't have any issue with raising an only child. I am not one of those people who think that only children are somehow damaged by not having a living brother or sister. But in my pre-infertility and loss beginnings I always pictured myself parenting two children. Notice how I say parenting. I do view myself as a mother of two. It's just that I only get to parent one of my babies.
If The Hubby and I were younger I would take a few years and see how I feel. But we're not young, and even though we will use an egg donor again, we don't want to be too old when a future potential child is born. So there is a time constraint in place, a deadline of sorts. He wants to know by the time Frostina turns one.
So now I've got to decide if I'm ready to jump back on the infertility wagon. Ready for the injections and cycle dates. Ready for the chance of another living baby. Ready for the chance of another loss.
The chance of another loss is where I get stuck.
These are all the issues we had to deal with before getting pregnant with Frostina of course. Only this time things are different. This time there isn't as big of a hole to fill. This time we already have our rainbow baby. So maybe we should just enjoy her and cherish her. Maybe we should thank God for giving us Frostina and move on with our lives. Maybe we shouldn't risk it again, tempt fate again.
Should we try for another baby?? I have no idea at this point.
It's the question that The Hubby has been asking me since Frostina was a few months old. It's the question that friends and family are starting to ask now that Frostina is almost 8 months old. It's the question that I have been asking myself.
It's the question I don't know how to answer.
Would I like another living child? Of course I would. If they just walked around passing out healthy babies I'd grab one in a hot second. If The Hubby and I could just live our lives and "see what happens" and get pregnant with little or no effort, I'd probably take a chance.
If our firstborn son hadn't died in utero at 36 weeks and my subsequent pregnancy with Frostina hadn't been filled with panic and fear, I'd start trying again today.
But that's not how things work for us. Well actually, the first part doesn't happen for anyone... unless there is a place where they just knock on doors and give deserving families healthy babies... if so I'll move there tomorrow. The way things work for The Hubby and I is much more complicated.
Trying for another baby would be a very deliberate process. A process we would be walking into knowing exactly how it would work. Knowing exactly how hard it would be. Knowing exactly how it feels when things work out. And knowing exactly how it feels when things don't work out.
I know exactly how it feels when things don't work out. The tears when my period comes after a failed cycle. The extra hormones and severe cramping that come along with it. The feeling of failure and hopelessness. Having to work myself up to try another cycle, trying to stay positive, trying to imagine that it will work the next time.
I also know exactly how it feels when a cycle does work, and you get pregnant. When you buy baby things, pick out names, and have a baby shower. I know exactly how it feels to get to 36 weeks of pregnancy and have it all taken away with 6 little words, "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat." I know just how hard it is to pick up the pieces and move on after a blow like that.
And pick up the pieces we did. We took a chance and after jumping through a lot of hurdles, we now have our little baby Frostina. She is the joy in our hearts and we wouldn't have her if we hadn't been willing to take a huge risk and leap of faith. I can't imagine my life without her and I don't regret for one moment all that it took to get her here.
But to do it again? I don't know.
After over 10 years I'm finally a parent to a living baby. That emptiness and yearning and desperation that comes with wanting a living child and not having one has been filled. Yes, I'm still infertile,,, but for the first time in a very long time I'm not obsessing about it. My life isn't dictated by my cycles and medications and exams. I no longer worry about when my period comes or if CD-whatever falls on a Sunday when the clinic would be closed.
For the moment I am free of all that. Free. Freedom feels wonderful.
Do we want to try again? Do we owe it to Frostina to give her a living sibling? Or are we happy being a family of 3 plus an angel?
I don't have any issue with raising an only child. I am not one of those people who think that only children are somehow damaged by not having a living brother or sister. But in my pre-infertility and loss beginnings I always pictured myself parenting two children. Notice how I say parenting. I do view myself as a mother of two. It's just that I only get to parent one of my babies.
If The Hubby and I were younger I would take a few years and see how I feel. But we're not young, and even though we will use an egg donor again, we don't want to be too old when a future potential child is born. So there is a time constraint in place, a deadline of sorts. He wants to know by the time Frostina turns one.
So now I've got to decide if I'm ready to jump back on the infertility wagon. Ready for the injections and cycle dates. Ready for the chance of another living baby. Ready for the chance of another loss.
The chance of another loss is where I get stuck.
These are all the issues we had to deal with before getting pregnant with Frostina of course. Only this time things are different. This time there isn't as big of a hole to fill. This time we already have our rainbow baby. So maybe we should just enjoy her and cherish her. Maybe we should thank God for giving us Frostina and move on with our lives. Maybe we shouldn't risk it again, tempt fate again.
Should we try for another baby?? I have no idea at this point.
Thursday, 24 January 2013
Traveling Internationally With Baby- 10 Thing I've Learned
Travelling with a baby can be a daunting and difficult task. Especially if you're travelling internationally. We are on our second trip to the US since having Frostina and I am learning more and more each time. Here's some of what I've learned this trip.
- Travelling with a 7 month old is harder than travelling with a 5 month old. I guess the more they can and want to move around, the harder it is.
- If you book a bassinet on the aeroplane and it is the kind that attaches to a shelf with straps, your baby will not sleep in it. Instead she will play with the straps for 7 hours or so and only sleep for 45 minutes (and only then because you rocked her to sleep in the aisle).
- I have totally missed the USA and it's customer service. We checked into the hotel and because we had Frostina with us they offered us a fridge and microwave without us even having to ask. Not to mention the upgrade to a "pure" room which is basically a normal room with an air filter in it. But still, clean air is clean air.
- Frostina is a total trooper. She loves the buggy and loves being pushed around it in new places.
- She is also great at restaurants, although we've yet to test her much past 5pm. To be fair, I take her to breakfast, coffee, and lunch all the time. But I've always avoided dinner time as I am worried about meltdowns. So tonight The Hubby convinced me to try a very early dinner. She was fine... but we got there at 5 and left by 5:30. So not exactly the kind of dinner's out we're used to.
- London isn't nearly as cold as I think it is. After a few days in NYC, London is starting to feel like Hawaii.
- Keeping a baby entertained in a hotel room can be a challenge.
- If you have a baby who is used to bathing in a small plastic tub, be prepared for screams when you attempt to place her in a full sized tub. Apparently they are super scary for 7 month olds.
- If you are lucky, there will be an older and even worse behaved child sitting near you on the plane. That way the dirty looks of your fellow air passengers will be focused their way instead of yours.
- My little girl is a total city baby. She can sleep through construction, car horns, and ambulance sirens. In fact, I think she sleeps better with all the noise than at home in her quiet bed.
Saturday, 12 January 2013
Sleep Training
A few weeks back I wrote about my confusion and unhappiness at Frostina's new sleeping patterns.
It all started when she dropped her night feed. She wasn't hungry in the middle of the night, but she still wanted to hang out with me. So she would get up and make noises which would eventually turn into crying. I would pop out of bed each time and rush to her aid.
After a couple weeks I figured out that she really didn't need anything... she just wanted me to come see her. One night I was sure she was teething and crying out in pain. But the second I picked her up to give her some medicine she started kicking and smiling. No teething pain, she just wanted her Mommy to come in and pick her up.
So I stopped picking her up and would only go in to replace the pacifier/dummy. Well she got wise to this little trick as well. One night she was screaming so I went in to see what was wrong. I was quite shocked to see her holding her pacifier/dummy in both hands directly above her face. She was crying until she saw me. Then she flashed me a huge smile and popped the pacifier/dummy right back into her mouth. She had gotten me again, that cheeky monkey!
So I decided that I needed to do some kind of sleep training because going back and forth from my room to hers 8 or 9 times a night just wasn't working for me. To be fair, it wasn't working for her either because she wasn't getting enough sleep. As a result, she started having trouble with her naps as well and was quickly becoming a cranky, overtired little baby.
The Hubby wasn't as keen on the sleep training idea. Not because he didn't think she needed it, but because he has a hard time listening to her cry. He also has to go to work every day and didn't like the idea that he would be up from 2-5am every night while we went through it. I explained to him that each night was getting worse and we needed to do something soon.
We finally agreed that I would do the sleep training when he was away on a work trip. He would be gone for a week and I could do it then. Sounds like a pretty cushy deal for him doesn't it?? He gets to sleep uninterrupted in a nice hotel room while I sleep train on my own. I can't say I was thrilled to be doing it all on my own, but sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do.
I chose a variation of Dr Ferber and Dr Weissbluth's methods. Basically I let her cry for 5 minutes then went in to check on her. Then I would increase the time by 5 minutes each time if she was still crying. Not going for longer than 15 minutes without checking on her.
The first night was of course the hardest. She was up from 3 until 4 crying in spurts with me checking on her at the designated intervals. She finally fell back to sleep a bit after 4 and slept until her normal wake up time. I was thinking that there was no way I would be able to last through a week of this and almost gave up after the first night.
The second night was so much better. She only got up once at 4am and immediately fell asleep after I went in to check on her after the first 5 minutes of crying. Back to sleep and then up at her normal wake up time.
The third and fourth nights I increased the first crying wait time to 10 minutes. On the 3rd night she got up two different times and cried for 10 minutes each time. On the 4th night she cried for a few minutes and then put herself back to sleep (success!!) and then got up one more time and cried for 10 minutes but went right back to sleep after I went in to reassure her.
On the fifth night she did a bit of crying in very short bursts but I didn't have to go into her room even once!!! And from there it's slowly getting better. She's not sleeping all the way through each night just yet but I'm not having to get up 8 or 9 times anymore.
We did have a bit of an issue when The Hubby got back though. You see, while I thought it was terrible that I had to sleep train by myself, it turns out that it was actually a good thing. You see, The Hubby and I have different levels of tolerance for Frostina's crying.
After a week of sleep training, mine has built up. But his is very low. I had wanted to let her cry for longer intervals as the days went on but he didn't agree with me. His first night back she was crying and I wanted to leave her a bit longer. He basically told me that I was letting her cry too long and if I didn't go check on her than he would.
So I did, and she fell right back to sleep. And we have compromised and agreed that I won't let her cry for longer than 15 minutes without checking on her. I just hope that won't teach her to just cry for 15 minutes and Mommy will come rushing in. I'm hoping that over the week of sleep training she's now able to put herself back to sleep and won't want anymore middle of the night playtime.
So while sleep training was absolutely horrible, it seems to have worked. I know it's controversial and not for everyone, but I'm happy I did it.
It all started when she dropped her night feed. She wasn't hungry in the middle of the night, but she still wanted to hang out with me. So she would get up and make noises which would eventually turn into crying. I would pop out of bed each time and rush to her aid.
After a couple weeks I figured out that she really didn't need anything... she just wanted me to come see her. One night I was sure she was teething and crying out in pain. But the second I picked her up to give her some medicine she started kicking and smiling. No teething pain, she just wanted her Mommy to come in and pick her up.
So I stopped picking her up and would only go in to replace the pacifier/dummy. Well she got wise to this little trick as well. One night she was screaming so I went in to see what was wrong. I was quite shocked to see her holding her pacifier/dummy in both hands directly above her face. She was crying until she saw me. Then she flashed me a huge smile and popped the pacifier/dummy right back into her mouth. She had gotten me again, that cheeky monkey!
So I decided that I needed to do some kind of sleep training because going back and forth from my room to hers 8 or 9 times a night just wasn't working for me. To be fair, it wasn't working for her either because she wasn't getting enough sleep. As a result, she started having trouble with her naps as well and was quickly becoming a cranky, overtired little baby.
The Hubby wasn't as keen on the sleep training idea. Not because he didn't think she needed it, but because he has a hard time listening to her cry. He also has to go to work every day and didn't like the idea that he would be up from 2-5am every night while we went through it. I explained to him that each night was getting worse and we needed to do something soon.
We finally agreed that I would do the sleep training when he was away on a work trip. He would be gone for a week and I could do it then. Sounds like a pretty cushy deal for him doesn't it?? He gets to sleep uninterrupted in a nice hotel room while I sleep train on my own. I can't say I was thrilled to be doing it all on my own, but sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do.
I chose a variation of Dr Ferber and Dr Weissbluth's methods. Basically I let her cry for 5 minutes then went in to check on her. Then I would increase the time by 5 minutes each time if she was still crying. Not going for longer than 15 minutes without checking on her.
The first night was of course the hardest. She was up from 3 until 4 crying in spurts with me checking on her at the designated intervals. She finally fell back to sleep a bit after 4 and slept until her normal wake up time. I was thinking that there was no way I would be able to last through a week of this and almost gave up after the first night.
The second night was so much better. She only got up once at 4am and immediately fell asleep after I went in to check on her after the first 5 minutes of crying. Back to sleep and then up at her normal wake up time.
The third and fourth nights I increased the first crying wait time to 10 minutes. On the 3rd night she got up two different times and cried for 10 minutes each time. On the 4th night she cried for a few minutes and then put herself back to sleep (success!!) and then got up one more time and cried for 10 minutes but went right back to sleep after I went in to reassure her.
On the fifth night she did a bit of crying in very short bursts but I didn't have to go into her room even once!!! And from there it's slowly getting better. She's not sleeping all the way through each night just yet but I'm not having to get up 8 or 9 times anymore.
We did have a bit of an issue when The Hubby got back though. You see, while I thought it was terrible that I had to sleep train by myself, it turns out that it was actually a good thing. You see, The Hubby and I have different levels of tolerance for Frostina's crying.
After a week of sleep training, mine has built up. But his is very low. I had wanted to let her cry for longer intervals as the days went on but he didn't agree with me. His first night back she was crying and I wanted to leave her a bit longer. He basically told me that I was letting her cry too long and if I didn't go check on her than he would.
So I did, and she fell right back to sleep. And we have compromised and agreed that I won't let her cry for longer than 15 minutes without checking on her. I just hope that won't teach her to just cry for 15 minutes and Mommy will come rushing in. I'm hoping that over the week of sleep training she's now able to put herself back to sleep and won't want anymore middle of the night playtime.
So while sleep training was absolutely horrible, it seems to have worked. I know it's controversial and not for everyone, but I'm happy I did it.
Sunday, 23 December 2012
Teething??? Or Just Playing???
Frostina is doing really well these days. Now that her colic has gone, she has revealed herself to be a happy, sweet, and very content baby. She's a joy to be around and I feel very blessed to have her in my life.
A few weeks back we started weaning her onto solids. I've jumped into this with two feet and am making my own baby foods. I've got this super cool steamer/blender combo machine and have been making lots and lots of baby purees. So far she's been a great eater and will happily try anything we give to her. Her favourite so far is mango.
As a result of adding solids, she has started sleeping through the night without needing to get up for a bottle. Not every night just yet, but quite a few so far. You would think this would have me jumping for joy,,,, right? It would if she was actually sleeping all night. But she's not quite there yet. As a result, I'm getting up more often with her than before,,,, and Mama is tired!
She wakes up at the time she would want a bottle (2 or 3 am) and I go into her room and pop the dummy/pacifier back into her mouth. If she's not hungry then she will go back to sleep, sometimes on the first try, other times it takes 2 or 3 tries.
On the nights that doesn't work I get up and feed her a very small bottle. Some nights she doesn't even finish that which reassures me that she doesn't need to eat in the middle of the night anymore. It's just a habit to get up and want to eat.
Regardless of whether she eats or not, we now have a new habit. Frostina will then wake up and start making noises every hour after that until it's time to get up. So if she first gets up at 2 then I will have to go back in and give her the dummy/pacifier at 3, 4, and then several times from 5-6am. That last hour is awful but I refuse to get her out of bed until 6am which I think is still pretty early.
It's driving me crazy and obviously affecting my sleep. I can't figure out what's going on. She might be teething, but she doesn't wake up unhappy or crying. I don't want to give her pain medicine every night "just in case" either. I want to only use medicine if she actually needs it.
I'm starting to wonder if maybe she just enjoys my company in the middle of the night?? Perhaps she's figured out that Mommy will come rushing in whenever she squawks and she's making a game out of it?
I am considering doing some sleep training, but they say not to try and sleep train when babies are teething. So since she's 6 and a half months old and no teeth yet, it's likely that she is teething.
But how do I know?
A few weeks back we started weaning her onto solids. I've jumped into this with two feet and am making my own baby foods. I've got this super cool steamer/blender combo machine and have been making lots and lots of baby purees. So far she's been a great eater and will happily try anything we give to her. Her favourite so far is mango.
As a result of adding solids, she has started sleeping through the night without needing to get up for a bottle. Not every night just yet, but quite a few so far. You would think this would have me jumping for joy,,,, right? It would if she was actually sleeping all night. But she's not quite there yet. As a result, I'm getting up more often with her than before,,,, and Mama is tired!
She wakes up at the time she would want a bottle (2 or 3 am) and I go into her room and pop the dummy/pacifier back into her mouth. If she's not hungry then she will go back to sleep, sometimes on the first try, other times it takes 2 or 3 tries.
On the nights that doesn't work I get up and feed her a very small bottle. Some nights she doesn't even finish that which reassures me that she doesn't need to eat in the middle of the night anymore. It's just a habit to get up and want to eat.
Regardless of whether she eats or not, we now have a new habit. Frostina will then wake up and start making noises every hour after that until it's time to get up. So if she first gets up at 2 then I will have to go back in and give her the dummy/pacifier at 3, 4, and then several times from 5-6am. That last hour is awful but I refuse to get her out of bed until 6am which I think is still pretty early.
It's driving me crazy and obviously affecting my sleep. I can't figure out what's going on. She might be teething, but she doesn't wake up unhappy or crying. I don't want to give her pain medicine every night "just in case" either. I want to only use medicine if she actually needs it.
I'm starting to wonder if maybe she just enjoys my company in the middle of the night?? Perhaps she's figured out that Mommy will come rushing in whenever she squawks and she's making a game out of it?
I am considering doing some sleep training, but they say not to try and sleep train when babies are teething. So since she's 6 and a half months old and no teeth yet, it's likely that she is teething.
But how do I know?
Monday, 17 December 2012
Crying For Newtown
I've been crying a lot these past few days.
Crying for those innocent children who lost their lives and for the devastated families they leave behind.
Crying because all they did was go to school that day. Something they should have been able to do without being put in danger.
Crying because I cannot fathom the kind of person who wakes up and decides to enter a school and open fire on innocent children.
Crying because unlike many who will say, "I can't even imagine what their parents are going through," I do know what it feels like to lose a child.
Crying because I feel like my wound has been ripped back open. That pain, the kind of pain that paralyzes you, is back again. Not that the wound was fully healed, but it had a pretty good scab over it. But not anymore.
I feel raw and vulnerable in a way I haven't felt for quite some time. I have spent the weekend hugging my baby girl and crying. Reminding myself just how lucky I am to have her.
Knowing just how lucky I am to have her.
Knowing just how empty it feels when a child is there and then is not.
Knowing just how much it hurts to long for a child, to miss a child, to mourn a child.
My heart breaks for the families in Newtown, CT. A place I've never been filled with people I've never met. And yet I cry for them.
Real tears, real emotions, real sorrow. Their story has moved me in a way that no other news story ever has. Maybe because it hits closer to home than I would like it to.
Or maybe because it's just that terrible.
Crying for those innocent children who lost their lives and for the devastated families they leave behind.
Crying because all they did was go to school that day. Something they should have been able to do without being put in danger.
Crying because I cannot fathom the kind of person who wakes up and decides to enter a school and open fire on innocent children.
Crying because unlike many who will say, "I can't even imagine what their parents are going through," I do know what it feels like to lose a child.
Crying because I feel like my wound has been ripped back open. That pain, the kind of pain that paralyzes you, is back again. Not that the wound was fully healed, but it had a pretty good scab over it. But not anymore.
I feel raw and vulnerable in a way I haven't felt for quite some time. I have spent the weekend hugging my baby girl and crying. Reminding myself just how lucky I am to have her.
Knowing just how lucky I am to have her.
Knowing just how empty it feels when a child is there and then is not.
Knowing just how much it hurts to long for a child, to miss a child, to mourn a child.
My heart breaks for the families in Newtown, CT. A place I've never been filled with people I've never met. And yet I cry for them.
Real tears, real emotions, real sorrow. Their story has moved me in a way that no other news story ever has. Maybe because it hits closer to home than I would like it to.
Or maybe because it's just that terrible.
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