Kids in Coffee Shops, Yes or No?

Have coffee shops become a place only for adults? That’s the question I have been asking myself ever since an incident where myself and a group of friends with our kids in tow were very unceremoniously asked to leave the back room of a local coffee shop. A shop that had recently advertised that they have a back room with toys for kids. Excuses were made as to why, but it was obvious that our group of noisy toddlers/children were not welcome.

I get it, not everyone wants to hang out with other people’s children. I understand that some places are more suited for adults only. I respect the right of any business to determine what kind of ambiance they want to have. But since when have coffee shops become so serious?

Think about it, you walk into your local coffee place and there are lots of business people with their laptops. You also spot students studying for exams and writers working on their latest project. It seems that many adults these days use these public spaces as their office. And so, it seems that the rest of us are expected to keep it down, so they can get their very important work done.

The key here is that they are public spaces. They aren’t private offices or libraries. They are meant to be places for people to gather and have a sense of community. So why is it that some people act so horrified that they have to listen to noise of children when they are in a public space?

Is it not ok to bring a small group of children into a coffee shop in the middle of the afternoon during the summer? Do people have a right to complain that children are interrupting their conference call when they chose to take the call in a public place? Since when is it unacceptable to have to be around children in the middle of the day? It’s not like we dragged them into a bar on a Saturday night.

What do you think, are coffee shops too grown up for kids?

My Best Self is Lost in the Fog

Morning begins as it always does. I am awakened by one of my children who needs something from me. Something that requires me to get out of bed. I am awake but exhausted. I get up because it's my job, I'm their Mommy. I fulfill my duty and then the lure of the bed draws me back into my room.

"Come, lay with me," the fog calls, "it's too early to get up and you need more sleep."

I don't get go back to sleep because it's time for breakfast. It's my job to feed them, so downstairs I go. The day is crazy and hectic. I am pulled in a million directions. I am asked a million questions. I fluctuate between love, joy, stress, and rage. The rage is often misplaced, but it has a need to express itself, to let itself be known. To take over and remind me who is in charge.

After the rage comes the guilt and regret. Why did I lose it? Why can't I handle everything with a cool and collected tone? What is wrong with me? Am I messing up my kids by yelling at them? I wonder what happened to me. When did I become this person? 

"Come and spend time with me," the fog beckons, "let my arms embrace and envelop you. You know it's easier to just give into me." 

I love my family. I love being in my family. I know the things I need to do to have my day go well. I am always proud of myself on the days when I've managed to keep it together. I know that the calmer I stay the better the day goes, but still sometimes that isn't enough.

I feel guilty a lot. Guilt for the things I don't get to. Guilt for the things I do but don't do joyfully. Guilt for the feeling that sometimes I just want to run away. To escape into the fog, just for a little while. To curl up in it's arms and rest for a while.

"Yes, that's a great idea," the fog whispers.

I am so tired all the time, mentally and physically. A nap in the afternoon, a few hours watching TV by myself, or a good book would all be a welcome respite. But those moments rarely happen. Most days my life is full of interruptions and requests. Things that as a Mom and a Wife I need to do, because it's my job, and because I love them.

I give all of myself, to my children, to my husband, and to my family. I give even when I feel like there is nothing left. Until my body is an empty hole. Until even an extra snack or a glass of wine can't make me feel better. That's when the fog comes back. It tempts me, it calls me, it swirls around my feet. I try to run away from it but sometimes I stumble. I stumble into the fog where sadness, anxiety, and guilt await me.

My body is lethargic from the slog. I battle everyday to free myself completely. Some days I am successful, other days I am not. I try to be my best self for everyone all the time, but sometimes I fear I have forgotten who my best self is.

Who is she? What does she want? How would her day go? These are all questions I ask myself in the abstract. Maybe the best me is still stuck in the fog. Maybe I need to go back there and see if I can find her.

When Your Sibling is Verbally Abusive

It happened again.

How did we get here again?

We were getting along so well.

I say this to myself each time a normal conversation with my sister explodes into an argument. As I write this we are not speaking to each other. It’s a familiar pattern; we fight and then go a long time without speaking. Each time I tell myself I won’t let it happen again, that I will figure out a way to get along with her this time.  

Sometimes there is an apology but mostly there is just silence. Time passes and I am encouraged by family members to leave it and just move on. I acquiesce to keep the peace, because she is family, and because everyone else does. For some reason she gets a pass, every time.

When we do reconnect, I am nervous. I walk on eggshells, being very careful what I say. I keep things superficial. I offer no opinions and I reveal nothing about my feelings. I listen mostly and try to only engage with “safe” topics.  I know deep down that there are no safe topics. That at some point one of the safe comments I have made will be thrown back in my face in anger. Yet each time I try.

Sometimes it blows up right away and we start over. Other times we get along for a long time. I let my guard down. I convince myself that maybe she has changed. Maybe it will be different this time. I have always been jealous of the relationships that others seem to have with their siblings. I wonder if maybe, now that we are both in our forties, that we too can be close like sisters are supposed to be.

I was so sure that we had broken through the pattern. I was moving back close to family. She was super excited. She wanted to see me as soon as I got into town. I was happy to see her too. We hugged and I had my sister back. We spoke on the phone a lot. She confided in me and I started confiding in her. It was better this time.

Until it wasn’t.

I am usually so careful with what I say and how I speak to her. Always worried about setting her off. Most of the time I am able to control my words even when I’m seething inside. This day though I couldn’t contain myself. She was questioning something I was doing in a way that made me feel like she thought I was unfit to make the decision. I made a smart-ass comment in response, I know it wasn’t a nice thing to say, but I was at my breaking point. The phone call ended shortly after that and I thought nothing of it. I thought nothing of it because we were in a different place now, things were better.

It came a few days later. A missed phone call from her and a voice mail that made my blood boil. I didn’t even listen to it all. I called her back and she immediately started yelling and calling me names. I hung up because I feared what I might say in response. What came next was a litany of abusive text messages. Tearing apart my character, questioning my parenting skills, accusing me of not taking care of our Mother who was recovering from surgery.

She even had the nerve to say that I was the abusive one and that she wasn’t going to take it anymore. She told me she was finally going to stand up for herself because I needed to reap what I sow. She took things I had told her in confidence and twisted them around to prove her point about how horrible a person I am. My efforts to calm her down or question her were met with more accusations of manipulation and sneaky abuse. I was told I need to stop acting like the victim.

It went on and on for hours with a few pauses in the middle. The next morning, I got another message saying that she was coming from a place of love and was just worried about our Mom. That perhaps she overreacted but that sometimes these conversations just need to be had. Other than a call my kids and I made singing Happy Birthday on her voice mail, we have had no further contact.

So here I am again. Back in the familiar space where I am furious that I allowed her to attack me again. Furious at myself for not fighting back, and yet proud that I didn’t allow myself to sink to her level. Knowing that once something is said, it can never be taken back.

I am also confused. If this is really the way she feels about me then I must be a truly horrible person. If that’s true then why does she continue to reach out at some point for reconciliation? If this isn’t the way she really feels about me, if she really loves me then why does she say such horrible things to me? I don’t know where this leaves our relationship either. I know my parents want me to let it go to maintain the family peace, but I’m not sure how much longer I can continue to do that.

  

Sweet But Sad

Frostina is in Kindergarten and is really loving it. Today she brought home a packet they have been doing titled All About Me. In it she had to draw her family. This is her photo.

Left - Right:  Daddy, Frostina, Olea, Me, and their brother.

I love that this picture shows that she does indeed understand that she has an older brother. I love that when she thinks  of her family she includes him. But it's also a reminder of what could have been. Of the brother they will never know.

So sweet, but so sad.

When One Door Shuts, Another Opens

Here's the great news, The Hubby got a new job!

Phew,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, huge sigh of relief and a big jump for joy!

The not so great news is that it's in Northern California and we are currently staying with my family in Southern California.

Not having any income for seven months takes a pretty big hit on your savings, so it will be a while before we have enough for a down payment for a new house. So for now, the girls and I will stay put and The Hubby will get a small apartment close to his new office.

I think he is secretly pleased to have a quiet place to hang out without all the craziness that is life with a kindergartner and a preschooler.  I know he will miss us and we will miss him too, but I'm a tiny bit jealous that he gets to sleep uninterrupted and watch whatever he wants on TV whenever he wants.

We haven't quite figured out how often we will get to see him yet, but that will come in time. That's the sucky part.

The good part is that it's a great job with a great company with lots of opportunity for growth in the future. The other good part is that we get to stay in California near our family which was something we didn't know if we would get to do.

Sending Cupcakes to Heaven

My beautiful son's 7th birthday in heaven is coming up in a few days.

The girls know all about their brother and each year we release a balloon so he can have it in heaven. This year, my now 5 year old Frostina wants to kick it up a notch. She thinks it's unheard of to have a birthday party without cake or cupcakes. So she's trying to figure out a way to send a cupcake to heaven.

At the moment her ideas are to either tie it to the balloon so it can fly up, or to send it in the mail.

I told her let's have a think about it.

How do you send cupcakes to heaven?

Once Again

It's been so long that I don't really know where to begin. A lot has changed since I left this place. Once again, I find myself if a place where life as I know it has been turned on it's head.

When we moved back to the US and settled in South Florida we thought it was for good. We craved a stable environment for our little girls. We wanted them to have the life we did growing up; living in the same house and growing up knowing everyone in town. We were done with adventure and were craving some "normal."

Then in January the hubby was laid off. Job was dissolved, they closed his office down. Just like that with no warning. One day he had over 20 years with the same company (that had been so very good to us over the years) the next day he was unemployed. Bam!

Everything we had known was suddenly gone. A harsh reminder that life really can change in an instant.

Of course we have been through much worse. I mean, at least no one died this time. And yet it's still a loss. The loss of a career and a direction.

Losing all the plans we had made for our future.

Again

Once again we find ourselves at the whim of something out of our control.

Once again we have to pick up the pieces and begin again.

Once again we are starting over and venturing into the unknown.

Once again the future is uncertain and scary.

Once again I am hoping to find my way out of this dark place and come back into the light.

Guess Who's Back?

Hello, Hello,,,, is this thing on???

It's been a while my friends. I'm not sure anyone is still reading, but here goes nothing.

It's been a long road, but my family and I are finally moving back home! The expats are finally repatriating!!!!

I love that I can say, "My Family." Because after all, when I first started writing this blog, there was only The Hubby and I. Our dreams of a family were years from becoming a reality.

Here is a quick update. Frostina and Olea are keeping me on my toes. I'm not sure I still like their blog names, but for now that's we are. They are almost 5 and almost 3. Most days they love each other while simultaneously fighting like cats and dogs. They love each other deeply, and yet they torture me and each other on a daily basis.

After an international assignment and then a job on the east coast, we are finally moving back to California. It's a long story; one which I will talk about in time. But for now I'm just happy to be back in this space..... and I hope a few of you are still reading.....

I'd love to hear from you if you are,....

Happy 5th Birthday in Heaven

I can't believe it's been 5 years since we said hello and good bye to our beautiful little boy.

So much has changed since then. We have a new house and two beautiful living little girls. To look at us now you might never see all that we have been through. We have become one of those families who look just like any other family.

But of course we're not.

Five years on is much easier than one year on. At five years the edges of the pain have softened quite a bit. There are definitely still some hard days and sad moments, but they are fewer and farther in between.

It's fair to say that we have survived our tragedy. It's also fair to say that our marriage has survived our tragedy. Not all marriages survive the loss of a child so for that I am grateful.

For all of you out there who are still in the trenches. For all of you who are still in the fog of grief. For all of you I can honestly say that it won't always hurt this bad. It never goes away, but it does get better.

Talking at School

Frostina started preschool in January. She goes 3 mornings a week, just enough time for her to have something that is hers and enough time for me to get some one on one time with Olea. At the end of the year (well half year really) I had a conference with her teacher to see how she was doing.

I was shocked to hear that she doesn't talk at school. My chatty, happy girl doesn't talk at school? I couldn't believe it and I was worried. Her teacher told me they thought she couldn't speak at all until they heard her talking to me. She said it's normal and not to worry.

So of course I worried.

I played games with her where she was asking her teachers questions. Each morning when we got to school I would have her tell me what color shirt her teachers were wearing. It worked a bit, I was told she would answer them yes or no and tell them when she needed the potty but nothing else.

So I worried some more.

I opted not to send her to summer session to give her a break and also to make time for swim lessons. I was hoping a break in the routine of not talking at school would help.

Last week was her first week back at school. On Friday I got a call from her new teacher. She is doing very well and seems comfortable in class. Some of the older girls in the class (it's Montessori) have taken her under their wing and are inviting her to play at recess. She asked if I had any questions.

Of course I only had one, was she talking at school.

The answer was yes! The teacher told me that Frostina is quiet, but she does speak in class and participates in the morning calendar which apparently is a time when all the children participate in a group lesson.

I am so relieved. I have no idea if the time away helped, or if being 3 helps, or if it's the new teacher. I am just so happy that she is feeling comfortable enough to not shut down.

Who knew these little people could cause so much worry.

Freedom

I am confined and restricted.

I am being pushed through my day with no control over where I am going.

I struggle to be released from my shackles.

I cry and no one hears me.

Then finally, the straps that bind me are released.

And I am free.

I am free to run with the wind in my hair.

I am free to go where I please.

I am joyful and free.

Now if only Mommy would stop chasing me.

#Microblog Monday- Can I Ride My Bike To Heaven?

Me to Frostina this morning- "It's almost your brother's birthday."

Frostina to me- "Are we going to get him a birthday cake?"

Me- "No, your brother lives in heaven so we are going to get him a balloon that we will let fly up in the sky so he can get it."

Frostina- "Heaven is very far away, I can ride my bike there so I can go see him."

Me (hiding my tears)- "No honey, you can't get to heaven on your bike, it's too far away."

Frostina- "Oh, then we will drive there in your car, OK?"

You gotta love the logic of a 3 year old.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could ride our bikes to heaven to see the ones we have lost?

After All This Time- #MicroblogMondays

After all this time.

It's been almost 5 years since we lost him.

After all this time, I still can't become friends with someone who has a child who is the same age as he should be.

It seems silly perhaps, and it certainly makes it difficult to make new friends in a new town.

After all this time, I still can't do it.

I'm sure you are a lovely person, but you have a child who will turn 5 this summer so we can't be friends.

After all this time you would think I could look past it, but I can't.

Timehop Is An Asshole

Have you even seen those Timehop posts on you friend's Facebook pages? You know the ones that show cute photos from the same time last year, or the year before that? Well I did and was super excited to download the app. Basically every day you get a rundown of your posts from social media from previous years.

I have been using it and finding it very entertaining. Photos from two years ago with Frostina in an outfit that Olea is now wearing. Posting cute comparison photos of them learning to eat finger food. Catching glimpses of my life pre-children.

It was all going so well  until yesterday.

Five years ago yesterday is when I announced my pregnancy with my son on Facebook. Yesterday when I opened up the app, I saw that announcement in all it's glory. I was so happy then and the post was all gushy and sentimental. I had no idea what was to come.

Seeing that glimpse of my former self on an app was soul crushing. Now I think I may have to delete it because I'm not sure I can take a whole year of my 5 year ago pregnancy bump photos and  funny pregnancy stories. I certainly don't want to have to relive the day we had to share our loss.

I suppose it says something about where I am in my grief journey that it didn't even occur to me that this would happen when I downloaded it. A few years back I'm sure that would have been my first thought. So there's that I guess.


In the meantime I suppose I just need to delete my fun new app.

Kids Being Sick Sucks

Both the girls have colds, it sucks. Last night just as we were sitting down to eat dinner, Olea started crying because she couldn't breathe. **We eat dinner late. After the girls go to bed**

Frostina (who has a new fear of the dark and needs to sleep with her door open) heard her sister and woke up too. The choir of crying would have been funny if it had happened in a movie. But in the real world it wasn't quite as funny.

It is sweet how when one girl is upset, the other one gets upset for her.... but not when they are both supposed to be sleeping.

After a bit, we realized that no one was going to be sleeping in her own bed. So we opted to divide and conquer. Hubby slept in our bed with Frostina and I slept in our guest room with Olea. Hubby definitely got the better deal because Frostina immediately fell asleep.

I got stuck with the 6 month old with her first really bad cold. She couldn't breathe through her nose and was very unhappy about it. So sleep for me was very hit and miss,,,, mostly miss.

Is it better to have them stagger their illnesses, or just get it done in one fell swoop?

Microblog Monday- Preschool

Frostina has started preschool and the transition has not been easy.

I had to pick her up the first day after a few hours because she wouldn't stop crying. *Hear that, that's my heart breaking a little bit*

It's still very early days but she cries every day when I drop her off. And that makes me sad.

Plus, this has triggered severe separation anxiety with her and nightmares. Oh, and now she's afraid of the dark because of the scary dreams.

Please tell me this will pass soon. I'm not sure how long I can take it. My happy, sunny little girl is an anxiety ridden ball of emotions right now.

What To Do?

For many years this space has been my haven, my sanctuary, and my support system.

When I began I was broken,,,, completely. I was empty and was desperately reaching out for help. I  needed to find people like me. People who had suffered unthinkable loss. I had to know I wasn't alone.

And I found it, and so much more.

I truly believe that blogging, and the connections I made here saved my sanity. It was the extra bit of therapy that I needed. I owe this space and all of you my life.

But lately I find I have nothing to say. Partly because with 2 little girls to take care of my brain is fried,,,, and partly because I feel like maybe I've said it all.

I never wanted to be a Mommy blogger.

Nothing against Mommy bloggers, but I just don't really want to write about potty training (good days and bad days) and starting solids with my little one (going very well).

Or do I??

As I see more and more of my people, the people who were blogging furiously when I was. When I see these blogs go inactive. When I look at my reader and see hardly any new posts, I start to wonder if it's time for me to say goodbye as well.

I don't really want to, but I don't have much to say right now.

I am torn, do I keep this up but just at a very sporadic pace??

Or do I accept that I have found My New Normal and go about my daily life without documenting it here?

#Microblog Monday- A Good Year?

I did one of those facebook things where they do a photo wrap up of your year. You can edit the wording and photos but the default says something about 2014 being a great year.

I did edit a few of the photos but it never occurred to me to edit the actual wording. You know, the part about 2014 being a good year. Let me repeat,,, it never occurred to me to change the wording that I had a great year. This hasn't happened to me since before we lost our son, way back in 2010.

There have been so many terrible years recently. In those years I would never have imagined that there would be any more good ones. But this one was good,,, and that seems strange to me.

Deep in my grief, a grief I never thought would end, I couldn't have seen this day coming. And yet somehow it has. I am happy, and I had a good year.

I haven't forgotten of course. Forgotten how quickly life can take a turn into a very dark place. I think perhaps I am more appreciative of the good times because I have lived through the absolute worst life has to offer.

So thank you 2014 for not being another terrible year. I think after all I've been through I deserve it. 

The Life I Never Thought I Would Have

"How was your day?" My husband asks me on the phone. He is away on business for a few days so he calls to check in when he can.

"Great," I tell him, and I proceed to run down a few highlights of the day. Frostina, (who is being potty trained) had an accident free day. I tell him about our play date and how the host slept through the whole thing so it was pretty much a lunch for me and his mother while Frostina played with all his toys.

I go on to tell him about how Olea is still going through her 4 month sleep regression and is needing to be resettled every 2 hours. I tell him how tired I am and how I hope this phase passes quickly. Then I put him on speaker so he can talk to Frostina for a minute.

I am living the typical life of an American suburban housewife. My days are filled with stroller strides, play dates, and dance class. I worry about nap times, sterilizing bottles, and how many weight watchers points are in a glass (bottle) of wine. I try and keep up with the bills and the housework and taking care of my husband. Sometimes I even find the time to take some time for myself. Life is crazy, and hectic, and messy.

This is not the life I ever thought I would have.

Even before I knew I would have trouble conceiving, before I knew all the troubles that lay ahead, I never once thought I would be a stay at home Mom. After all, I had a college education and a career. I was a modern woman who didn't want to have to depend 100% financially on anyone. I would have my kids, take my maternity leave, and then go back to work.

They say life is what happens while you're busy making plans.

Life happened to me. Boy did it ever happen to me. First it was unexplained infertility; then it was our miracle pregnancy that ended in tragedy; then I was told my eggs were crappy and we had to use an egg donor.

I went from thinking I would just have my kids and send them to daycare, to wondering if I would ever have a living child at all. The idea that I would one day have two beautiful girls to stay at home and take care of didn't seem possible.

Once I had Frostina I knew I wanted to be with her full time, and when Olea was born I was even more sure that this is what I wanted.

I'm not saying it isn't hard, because it is VERY VERY hard. There are days when I want to lock myself in the bathroom and hide from all the demands and crying. There are days when The Hubby gets home and I just want to toss the kids at him, jump in my car, and go someplace where I can have a few moments to myself.

But there are other moments, when the baby is sleeping and Frostina crawls in my lap and asks me to read her a book. Or when Olea is laying on her playmat and Frostina lays next to her and gives her a kiss when I am reminded just how blessed I am.

It's my life, and I've embraced it.... but it's certainly not the life I thought I would have.

#Microblog Monday- No AC

Our air conditioner is broken.

We live in South Florida.

It is hot in here.

I have two small children who are having trouble sleeping.

I can't wait for the repairman to get here.

It is very hot in here.